Ang Mga Hindi Dapat Iniisip

Hindi ko raw dapat isipin na pangit ang araw ngayon. Sabagay, tama naman. Madali kasi akong maapektuhan ng at makaapekto sa mga taong nasa paligid ko kaya wala akong karapatang magpakita ng pagliligalig.

Pero sino ba naman ang mag-iisip ng maganda? Lumindol na nga, tapos bumabagyo pa. Maganda ba yun? Isabay ko pang hanggang ngayon e hindi man lang ako nakakagawa pa ng hakbang para mapalitan yung mga IDs at cards na laman ng nawala kong wallet. Tapos nagkwento pa si kuya manong na ayaw na niyang bumalik sa skul. Haay, buyay nga naman, parang parking lot. Kung kailan gusto mo ng space, tsaka ang hirap hanapin.

At kung kailan naman asang-asa ka na wala ka ng mapaglalagyan e tsaka pala maluwag. Pero nakakalungkot pa rin. Kasi wala pala yung mga akala mong magiging kasabayan sa arangkada. Nag-iba na sila ng parking space. Mas gusto nila dun sa free parking. O dun sa covered parking. O sa may valet parking. O sa No Parking.

Sabagay, baka ambisyosya lang ako. Wala naman kasing parking slot para sa akin kasi wala naman akong sasakyan.

Pero wag ka, dalawang beses na kong nahuhuli ng pulis sa loob ng dalawang buwan. Isang No Left turn at isang No U-turn violation. Pero dahil parehong malapit ng maghapunan nung mga oras na ‘yon, ke dali nilang kausap. Boink boink nga yung inaaruga kong moralidad. Kaso wala talaga akong lisensya. At di ko naman maisurender yung plaka ng kutsicar kasi hindi naman akin. Hayko!

Tapos sisingit pa sa utak ko na may nagpapatigil sa king magtrabaho. Hihi. Kasi gusto niyang magwork ako para sa kanya. Hehe. Para daw gumanda ang takbo ng buhay ko. Haha! Teka, ganun na ba ko kagulo? Huhu? O ganun kalaki ang tiwala niya sa akin? Hmm. Kawawa naman si Gugey kung ganon. Haha ulit!

Tapos may nagtanong sa kin kung paano malalaman ang kaibhan ng crush at love.

At nakatutok ako sa palabas na Kung Ako Ikaw na center of attention ang aking center of phobia. Inadobo pa nga e.

Susme. Naubos na naman ang gabi ko. Hindi pa rin ako inaantok.

Binuno ko pa naman ang bagyo para lang makauwi ng maaga. Namimiss ko na kasing katabi si Dolphyn. Naku, kelangan na rin nitong mapa-dry clean. Pati si Kerber.

Pati ako.

Dysphemism

I haven't blogged in a while. David and Sarah seem to be lounging off somewhere in the wintry part of my left brain. Even Lakeisha has been waylaid by my incessant need to put her story off (even when my fingers are itching to type her dialogues night after night).

It's not about not having time. I believe I have my own time machine to brag about. I can turn mornings into evenings and vice versa. In fact, it's not about time. It's subtle persuasion. I haven't listened to myself lately. Or rightly put, I am my own worst listener.

But when it's not me talking, they can rattle on and over, and I'd digest every syllable.

Nonetheless, it's funny how I can easily rewind a moment of utter nonsense discussion and just as effortlessly forget a critical request.

So what fails me? Or maybe, the monstrous unwanted question is, who?

Or there's no need to ask such a pedantic question. The only thing that's given is Me.

Yet again, I desperately want to rule out my last sentence. Self-abusive emotions have driven me to a point of not differentiating sympathy from empathy, listening from paying attention, thinking from focusing, planning from prioritizing.

And the answer to my failing question leads me back to long ago.

A friend hit it right in the node. In fact, she commented at it for all the blogger readers to see putting butter when I should be getting axle grease.

A bit optimistic for her, I should say. She just gave me my prognosis. It was so sound a proof that I can't find any error. In fact, I have an overdose of optimism myself sedating me to overlook what's staring right in my face. A high dosage of resiliency also obliterated the way people would have regard me.

If that's an edge, it's not working. But currently, it's my fallback.

Just the same that it's my rage. My fallacy. My despair.

kabuluhan

isa ito sa mga napagmunihan ko sa piling ni makiling... para sa ibang pang wala lang, bisitahin lamang si walang malay.

huwag kang mag-alala
naiintindihan ko
kung buong puso mong
ipadama na ako’y
walang halaga

sa tuwina
sa pagtatama ng mga mata
naaaninag ko ang iyong
pangamba

kaya’t nauunawaan ko
kung bakit
gusto mong
umiwas
ngunit hindi ang
lumayo

makalimot
upang mapunan

masaktan
ng higit na makaramdam

upang patuloy kang
manabik
na ako’y
ipagtabuyan
upang ako’y
maipagsanggalang.

kaya’t
nakikiusap ako
huwag kang
magpaliwanag

sapat na sa aking
marinig
ang mga katagang
hindi mo
mabigkas.

That Thing Called Flattery

He said it was supposed to be a compliment. But coming from someone without control of his full senses, how would I know if he really meant it?

This was the question posed by an overbearingly intoxicated human being whom I envied for quite a long time. She, of all people, bore now the suffering of being called "in love".

In fact, she said, it was an understatement. She called herself a stupid lunatic fool in hopeless romantic pursuit of unmitigated passion. Her feelings haunt her like the ghosts of the Christmas verb tenses. She has lost her willpower to overcome it. All futile, she added. She can't deny that it's happening. She can but accept that this is her curse. Her last resort to save her remaining vestige of sanity is to plead guilty.

And she withered in front of me as a child would when a favorite toy is taken away.

I stared vehemently at nothingness as I refilled my glasses hoping that I could at least empathize. Yet I, too, felt scared. Even repulsed at the thought of me feeling scared. I could tell her a hundred and one pages of my own madness left unstirred by restraint and logic.

She looked at me, almost imploringly. And in the midst of all her sobs, she smiled sympathetically at me. I didn't hear her at first and she had to ask again, "Your tears, are those for me or are you the same stupid lunatic fool?"

I couldn't admit it at first. I didn't know. All I feel was a tight knot engulfing every twinge of panic beats within me. And I tasted salt. I, too, was crying.