Denials and Paranoia

i woke up rather grouchy this morning. i cannot shake the sense of foreboding. this cloud has been following me since last week, and my regular denial of things to come only heightens my paranoia — that im up for a series of unfortunate events.

it’s like i am feeling a string of luck turned bad is about to happen. like i will be going for emotional mishaps. that kind where anticipations and promises are taken for granted that will leave me crushed and in agony.

or maybe, i will find out things that i don’t want to in the first place. or someone will hurt me really bad and tell me that 5-letter word which i don’t want to hear embellished with encouragement that i don’t really need.

my mind is a noisy whir. i can’t specifically point what it is exactly. but somehow, i have an idea. and disturbing as it may sound, it all boils down to misplaced kindness and false hopes. that somehow, a face of treachery is bound to be revealed.

but i don’t want to think about it. or maybe, i am just denying the warnings, the signs, the hidden truths which i can’t just bury in nothingness just by keeping busy. nor can i dispel the thought that i am bound to be sacrificed because i am in the way, or maybe, of no real use, or just that, a pawn.

for a night, i did forget. the eheads concert. it’s so nice to have them back. but like my moments, it was short-lived. the depression of things to come came back lurking like a ghost. i can’t dispel it.

i only need the truth. just to hear it said. even when that’s the last thing i want to know.

still, i am waiting. if only to tell myself, i am sane, and i am right.