Likas na Makasarili

Kung nais mo raw tunay na makilala ang isang tao, huwag kang makinig sa kanyang mga sinasabi kundi sa kanyang mga kilos at reaksiyon.

Kaya nga pinag-aaralan din sa komunikasyon ang mga non-verbal ways ng pakikipagtalastasan at ito yung nag-aaccount sa 70% ng communication effectiveness. Mas mataginting daw kasi ang nais ipahiwatig ng mga sulyap ng mata, lawak ng ngiti, bilis ng hakbang, ikom ng palad, biling ng ulo, laglag ng balikat at tono ng boses.

Pero kung likas din na artista at artistahin, pasensya pero maaari ka ring malinlang. Pero kahit artista, kung wala sa harap ng camera at nasa normal na sitwasyon, ay makikilala mo rin siya kanyang mga ipinapakitang kilos.

Dahil ang tao ay likas na makasarili. At dahil makasarili, hindi mo rin agad makikita ang tunay na pagkatao kasi nga sinasarili niya. Hehehe.

In general, una niyang iisipin ang kanyang sarili — kasama nito ang sariling mga pangarap, adhikain, kinabukasan, o anumang gusto nilang mangyari.

Sige, para maging kapani-paniwala, maglalagay ako ng source.

Ayon kay Ayn Rand, selfishness is a virtue. Ito yung sentro ng mga pamoso niyang nobela. Pero ang selfishness na tinalakay dito ay may ibang pakahulugan sa alam nating pagkamakasarili at hindi ang selfishness na madalas nating ihalintulad sa kasakiman.

Sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa ng mga libro ni Ayn Rand, inuulit ko, hindi ito yung selfishness na madalas, kahit pinagkakatago ng mga kurakot, ay naamoy pa rin ng mga taong ang ginagawa naman ay ibulgar sila.

Iba rin ito sa hindi pagcocontribute o pagseshare ng mga kaalaman dahil nais mong ikaw lang ang nakakaalam at ikaw lang ang umunlad dahil sa kaalamang iyon. Halimbawa nito ang monopolyo o kaya ay sa simpleng halimbawa, ang hindi pagsasabi sa iyong mga kasama ng nais na timpla ng kape ng iyong boss dahil gusto mong ikaw lang ang nagtitimpla ng kape niya, kahit pa nakabakasyon ka ng isang buwan.

Hindi ito yung selfishness na lagi nating inihahalintulad sa pag-iisip sa sarili, at tanging sarili lamang, na pati kunsensya mo ay ayaw mong kausapin. Na ang iyong gawa o pagiisip ay ganito, “Ako lang, hindi ikaw, pero kung ikaw man, ako pa rin.”

Kumbaga, para maging virtue ang selfishness, kailangan mo pa ring maging rasyonal at kaya mong sabihin at ipakita ang kahalagahan ng iyong sarili at ng iyong mga gawa, na tama at may silbi ka bilang tao, at dahil dito, nagiging kapakipakinabang kang miyembro ng sosyedad. Ganito ang sistema ng Objectivism. Ang pagpili ng isang gawa o desisyon base sa rason (hindi emosyon), na hindi mo kailangang isakripisyo ang iyong sarili para sa iba o ang iba para sa iyong sarili.

In short, malaya kang maging ikaw. Parang si Dr. House. Although may mga episodes na kakikitaan din siya ng karampot na emosyon, kadalasan pa ring umaangat ang kanyang rasyonalidad, at ito ang nagiging daan upang maging epektibo siyang doktor. At pamoso siya hindi dahil sa kaweirduhan niya kundi sa kanyang galing.

Ibig sabihin lang, hindi mo kailangang manahimik o magtago dahil hindi mo kailangang manahimik o ilihim ang isang bagay na alam mong rasyonal at may silbi, na magpapatunay din na isa kang kapakipakinabang na nilalang, at karapatan mo ito.

Ganito din ang prinsipyo ng mga bidang karakter ni Rand. Si Howard Roark na isang arkitekto na hindi niya kinompromiso ang tingin niyang tunay na kagandahan ng isang istruktura kahit pa dumating ang panahong wala ng magpadisenyo sa kanya. Si John Galt na nakaimbento ng mas matibay, mas mura, at mas magaan na elemento kaysa bakal at hindi sumuko kahit pa isumpa na siya pati ng gobyerno.

Isang kahihinatnan din ng Objectivism ang free market. Na may karapatan ang bawat isang ipakita ang kanilang mga gawa, malaya itong suriin at batikusin, at malaya ang bawat indibidwal na mamili ng para sa kanya.

Naalala ko nga yung isang rason kung bakit tila hirap na hirap ang ilang ahensya ng gobyerno (o ilang tao na humahawak dito) sa pagtanggap ng F/OSS.

Sa pag-iimplement kasi ng mga proyektong Open Source, hamak na mas maliit ang kailangang budget kahit pa higit na mas kapakipakinabang, mas madaling gamitin, at mas mataas ang seguridad ng mga teknolohiyang nasuri at nagamit na ng mga indibidwal na gumagamit at naniniwala din dito. At dahil mas maliit ang kailangang i-invest sa mga proyektong Open Source, wala ng alokasyon para sa kurakot.

Kaya mahirap itong tanggapin ng mga taong ang pagiging makasarili ay kasinghulugan ng kasakiman.

The Eheads Reunion Concert

Grabe, napuno yung tatlong parking lots sa gawi ng The Fort Strip nung magconcert ang Eheads noong Sabado. Ni hindi na nga namin naumpisahan yung opening number nila na may fireworks at usok dahil noong mga oras na yon, nagtatatakbo pa kami at naghahanap kung saan ang entrance.

Pero enjoy na rin kahit andun kami sa bandang likod. May projector screen naman. Solve na rin.

Nakakatuwa ang crowd. Lahat kumakanta. Lahat sumasayaw. May nagslapdance pa nga sa harap namin. May na-knock out pero kunwari di ko kilala. Hehe.

Kanya-kanyang ikot din ng treats. May naglibre ng drinks, tas burger, tas hotdogs!

Magkakasecond round pa sana kami ng food treats kaso, after the band’s 20-minute break, Ely’s sister, Lally, joined by the rest of the band, Marcus, Raimund and Buddy, announced that Ely was rushed to the hospital. Sobrang natahimik yung crowd. Parang lahat, nawalan ng vocal chords.

On the Eheads concert, the audience felt both extremes, an utmost emotional ride: total jubilation in finally seeing and singing with the band after six years… and total sadness, hearing firsthand that Ely’s physical and emotional strains took its toll.

Like most of those in the crowd, I too felt like not going. It was as if I was waiting for Ely to make a grand entrance and wow us again. Pero habang pinagmamasdan ko yung mga taong parang mga tinakasan ng lakas at ayaw pang umuwi, na-appreciate ko ang crowd. They’re hearts are with the band. No one was heard saying, sayang ang ticket o sayang ang pagod sa pagpila ng mahaba at pagtayo ng halos isang oras.

The concert may have ended abruptly. Sad as it did, at least I was there. I was one of the 20,000 who belted those familiar hits with the Eheads live on stage. Even if it was just half of their repertoire, it was grand. For me, it was worth it.

I just hope and wish that Mr. Ely Buendia would spring back to health para naman “Eraserheads, the Comeback” na! Sabi nga ni Ely, “They try to tell us we’re too old…” Eh, pano na lang ako?

As of the latest news beats, Ely is stable and doing well. Really uplifting news for a fan like me. Kahit another six years pa siyang magpahinga, pipila ako ulit sa susunod na reunion. Feeling classmate ko sila e.

Denials and Paranoia

i woke up rather grouchy this morning. i cannot shake the sense of foreboding. this cloud has been following me since last week, and my regular denial of things to come only heightens my paranoia — that im up for a series of unfortunate events.

it’s like i am feeling a string of luck turned bad is about to happen. like i will be going for emotional mishaps. that kind where anticipations and promises are taken for granted that will leave me crushed and in agony.

or maybe, i will find out things that i don’t want to in the first place. or someone will hurt me really bad and tell me that 5-letter word which i don’t want to hear embellished with encouragement that i don’t really need.

my mind is a noisy whir. i can’t specifically point what it is exactly. but somehow, i have an idea. and disturbing as it may sound, it all boils down to misplaced kindness and false hopes. that somehow, a face of treachery is bound to be revealed.

but i don’t want to think about it. or maybe, i am just denying the warnings, the signs, the hidden truths which i can’t just bury in nothingness just by keeping busy. nor can i dispel the thought that i am bound to be sacrificed because i am in the way, or maybe, of no real use, or just that, a pawn.

for a night, i did forget. the eheads concert. it’s so nice to have them back. but like my moments, it was short-lived. the depression of things to come came back lurking like a ghost. i can’t dispel it.

i only need the truth. just to hear it said. even when that’s the last thing i want to know.

still, i am waiting. if only to tell myself, i am sane, and i am right.

Hearts and Heads

If I were to be an animal, I would want to be a shrimp. You see, shrimps have their hearts in their heads. I was thinking that maybe, if I am a shrimp, then I can tell my heart what to feel.

Or maybe, a starfish. So that I can grow back what I have lost.

Or an ostrich, whose eyes are bigger than its brains, so that I’ll be able to see more of the good things around me and less on thinking if I really should appreciate them.

Wishful thinking.

I am not a shrimp. I can’t tell my heart not to feel hurt.

I am not a starfish so there’s no way for me to bring back those that I have already lost.

Nor am I an ostrich, and my eyes even desperately needs glasses.

Got so much thinking to do. And so much to feel. But one thing is sure, I can’t do it both.

That’s why I’m blogging. Blogging somehow consolidates my luxury to be free-feeling and free-thinking.

So what am I feeling exactly? Hmm. All sorts. Just a moment ago, I wanted to just take a bus and go home. I guess I love going back home because going home means I have gone some place. Everytime, when I am with Popsy and Momsy, all stories exchanged seem fresh and new even if we have already talked (or laughed) about them before. My work takes a sideline too because sharing it with them is like using birds-and-the-bees to explain sex. With them, discussions about our fave topics on politics and religion are just meant to be just that, merely discussions, and are soon forgotten as soon as we huddle in front of the television.

I felt stressed too.

No amount of music can appease my head from thinking about stuffs like remitting my insurance, settling my credit card, paying my visa application fee, finishing my requirements, completing my checklist, beating my deadline, writing a new catch phrase, rewriting an old teaser…

Then I felt scared.

I also felt like running away.

And then I felt tired just thinking about it.

So I guess I have to sleep on it.

Midnight has come again. I never seem to miss it.

My Preliminary Battle Against Ranidaphobia

they consider it a joke. i consider it a battle that i'll wage in feardom come until god-knows-when.

i thought i would just deal with it once a week, but then, i guess they're everywhere when the rainy season comes, even at 87-C!

87-C is the house number of our rented cum subsidized home-away-from-home and home-near-from-work in the middle of urban village called west capitol.

so you see, i am not expecting my great scourge to come leaping on our cemented carpark and crawling... goodness! one slimy little one was crawling just near the door knob! ooh, just thinking about it makes my head swell and my hands all clammy. i'm now getting the goosebumps too, and the palpitations.

see? i'm not laughing when they joke about my fear of frogs. and oh how they love to tease me now and then about it. how they love to see me scared and jumpy when they point at nothing and tell me "look ja, frog!".

or tell me i shouldn't be afraid of them, really, because one could turn out to be my prince!

so i have to start somewhere. conquer this fear which almost always embarasses me, but sends my so-called friends all ticklish and hooting. in fact, two friends sent me "froggy" gifts. a green burner with a miniature frog as decor and a cuddly frog stuffed toy. the first one is now broken and my friend told me i did it but i didn't.

now, the second one, ah! i took it as my preliminary stance to battle. i called it "froogie". i even displayed it on my table and brought it with me when we last visited baguio. poor thing, i left it at my friend's car.

some say talking about your fear is a good way to start a "treatment". all right, i'd rather talk about it than be in a room of... can't breathe!!!

lipad ko to

naalala ko nung magpunta kami sa freedom bar. may dalawang banda na nagpasayo ng kanilang awitin at sinabing walang title yung kanilang tinugtog. tapos, sa conspiracy din, nung tumugtog si rj jmnz, may kinanta din siyang walang title. uso ata ang mga walang title ngayon. anyway...

last weekend, mahabang byahe ang ginawa ko. sa haba niya, mahaba-habang pagmumuni-muni din ang naganap sa isip kong tuliro na rin sa mga bagay-bagay na dapat kong gawin (pati na rin yung mga bagay na hindi ko dapat ginawa).

sa pagdating ko naman sa aking destinasyon, tila bulang naglaho sa aking itinerary ang mga binalak kong gawin habang kako nagpapahinga sa nilibreng tuluyan sa min ni dadadidodu. sarap kasing mapahinga dun. bagong klima. bagong kwarto't kama. bagong channel sa cable. bagong food staples. bagong mga kainan. bagong mga kwentong mumu (dun daw sa bed na tinulugan ko, yun daw yung huling hinigan ng katawang lupa nung mga magulang nung may-ari nung bahay, sumalangit nawa!), bagong mga trip (sabayan daw ba ang mga sandamakmak na aliens sa pakikipagtalastasan). in short, bagong mundo sa loob ng 48 oras. isang commercial ng yugto ng buhay ko.

sa pagpagtatapos ng aking paglalakbay sa norte, kasabay ng mga manaka-nakang ambon at pag-ulan, heto't back to my senses na ulit ako. pagbukas pa lang ni laftaf, parang routine, agad kong binuksan yung aking email at kasabay nun ang status ng aking mga tasks at projects. parang gusto akong kurutin nung mga overdues ko sa wiki at online documentation, ganun na rin yung mga artiks sa website. at nagyeyehey naman yung proyekto na makalap lahat ng mga document templates na kailangan namin sa opisina para naman mapabilis ang aming correspondences.

naroon din yung constant reminder ko na rebyuhin ang linux filesystem. pagdating kasi sa mga bagay na teknikal, ewan ko ba, pero sa short-term retention lang kinacategorize ng aking hippocampus ang mga ito. kaya para ma-override at mailagay sa long-term, kailangan kong magrebyu lagi. heto't nakalimutan ko na nga ulit kung alin sa ext3 at reiserfs ang may journalling. nakalagay kasi sa nokbuk ko, sa ext3 siya, pero sa isang sulok ng aking nagpipilit na makaintindi ng mga teknikalidad, reiserfs ang may journaling. buti na lang, pwedeng i-google! o di-ba, ang salitang "google" ay pwede na ngayong gamiting verb?

at hayun, nagkaiba lang pala ang ext3 at reiserfs sa usapang pinuhan ng sector. pareho naman palang may journalling. mas lamang nga lang sa ngayon ang reiserfs sa usapang journalling.

ano ba ang journalling? para sa mga linoobs (pinaikling linux newbies) at nyologs (non-linux users or no-linux backgrounds), ang journalling ay... ito yung... para siyang record book. bawat proseso na nangyayari sa filesystem, dito nila-log. kumbaga, isinusulat niya ang bawat transaksyon na ginawa mo sa iyong filesystem. importante ito sa mga pagkakataong magcrash ang iyong computer. nagbabasa-basa pa rin ako ngayon, pero pag naintindihan ko na ng lubusan, magandang mai-share ko na rin. tipong in vernacular para masaya. umpisahan ko sa filesystem, hindi nga lang ngayon. ike-ks (knowledge sharing) ko muna sa office.

haay. daming iniisip. pati tuloy yung interview sa embassy, kinatatakutan ko. kawawa naman si atenggot pag hindi ako nakapasa, lalu't pinayagan na ko sa office na mag-leave. kawawa kasi all-expense paid nya to. maliban dun sa interview appointment na binayaran ko ng $9.95. barya lang naman to compared sa visa apps na $131 at plane fare (two-way reservation na kaya). sayang talaga pag na-deny ako. waah! ang problema ko, paano ko mapapaniwala ang consul na super duper closely tied ako kay motherland para magnais ng greener pasture sa ibang lugar. ang akin lang naman, which is what i personally believe, ang nagpapasaya naman sa tao ay siya rin. kung matayog ang pamantayan nya para maging kuntento sa buhay, dapat matayog din ang dapat niyang abutin para makamit yon at dapat, tayugin nya rin ang lipad.

ako naman, hindi naman katayugan ang pangarap ko. pero lipad ko to. maaaring matayog sa iba, pero sa akin, i'm freely flying. nag-eenjoy na ko e. ganoon naman. basta gusto natin ang ating paglipad, kahit bumabagyo pa, kakayanin! atsaka, penguins can fly, di ba? haha! whee!

For a Reason

i have always heard it being said: "things happen for a reason". so when things go nicely or screw up, there must be an explanation to it.

but when, even when we rack our brains and still can't find the reason, then to where do we look to find out why things happen? to the changing weather? in the stars? in the mindless wanderings of coincedences? or maybe, to someone else's reason?

or when finally found out what the reason is, why is it so hard sometimes to believe that IT IS?

when you've always been so dressed up and careful about the way you look, and the one time you got drenched under the rain was the same time when you accidentally met the person whom you've longed to see for eons-- is it a test of faith or a twist of fate?

when you know by heart all the formula for a series of theorem and the one thing that makes you sweat blood is the same formula that was asked for you to explain in a graded recitation, is a test of faith, or a twist of fate?

when the last person who you think would betray you was the one who did, is it a test of faith, or a twist of fate?

faith or fate, things still happen. changes unfold within or beyond understanding. if it falls outside of comprehension, is it better to seek for it or just let it slide and let whatever "reason" that made it happen be revealed?

i miss faith today. it flew a-distance to that place called fate. or maybe not. it didn't bid goodbye.