sakripisyo (sana!)

ash wednesday nga pala ngayon. pinapaalala na naman ng Simbahang Katolika na anuman ang gawin natin ngayon, ano man ang marating, gaano man katayog ang maabot, babalik at babalik tayo sa alabok.

in the end, ang magiging sukatan pa rin ng buhay ay kung ano ang ating nagawa at para kanino tayo gumawa ng tama o mali. (atsaka pala “bakit”, “saan” at “paano”… hehe).

pero mahirap pa ring sukatin. mahilig kasing magpalusot ang tao. ang unang alibi: tao lang ako. nagkakamali.

kung susumahin, ilang pagkakamali ba ang dapat malampasan para maitama ang isang bagay? ilang luha at singhot, ilang galit, ilang pasakit, ilang lumbay, ilang pagkadapa o ilang pagsuway ba dapat ang hangganan para matuto at nang lumao’y maging masaya, kuntento at panatag ang ating mga konsensya? (oops, hello konsensya! ayan, pinapansin na kita…)

at naalala ko lang, pinaalala sa akin ng isang kaibigan ang sana’y gawing pag-obserba sa paggunita ng mahal na araw. ang text niya, “Fasting and abstinence ha?”

sa tuwing nangangamusta kasi siya, at nagtatanong kung nasaan ako, honest at open as i am, siyempre sasabihin ko kung nasaan ako. at lagi naman, nagkakataon, iba’t ibang lugar ang naa-update ko sa kanya. libis, cafe juanita, metrowalk, bahay ni juan, mugen, galleria, mcdo.

pero higit sa fasting at abstinence sa mga gimik (na kadalasa’y hindi ako gumagastos… hehehe, hindi sa user ako, wala lang talaga akong budget… palusot na totoo!), mas mainam na mag-fast at mag-abstain hindi lang sa pagkain, kundi mas dapat kong ituon ang aking pansin sa mga gawaing dapat ay nagpa-fast o nag-aabstain ako. example, babawasan ko ang pagiging taklesa. hehe. hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakaalam na ako’y isang nilalang na palabiro. charing!

so for now, buhay ko na muna ang aasikasuhin ko. at buhay ng mga taong umaasa na sana’y buhay pa ako.

Maniwala ka nga naman…

Ang saya kaya kagabi. Got the chance to bond with another LCP classmate, CJ! Watta good news she brought with her... nope, di pa sya magku-quit. Good for her. Haha! But the news she brought was more filling than the dinner at Mongkok... She's getting married!

Lotsa best wishes, CJ. Your French man sure is lucky, very very. :) Sabi nga ni bossing, isang French ang nahango sa kahirapan.

The bad thing though was, she had to leave early (c'mon, 11PM is early still). Her fiance got no keys. Lost it thrice already. Haha.

Masaya din ako nung umaga pala. Naka-attend kasi ako ng hearing tungkol dun sa isang so-called project-finisher na naniningil para sa so-called finished project nya na isinubmit daw kay 8layer. Kaya naalala ko tuloy nung gabi yung isa sa mga so-called IT expert na dating taga-8layer (at itinuring na kaibigan ng aming bossing) din na involve dun sa so-called finished project.

Si so-called IT expert sa netsec at sysad kasi yung unang pinaharap sa akin nung magjo-join ako ng 8layer. Siyempre, dahil ang alam ko'y isa siya sa mga partners, someone who is supposed to know about the products, services, projects AND culture of the company, nakipagkwentuhan na rin ako. That was three years ago. January o February ng 2007 ata. Basta ang natatandaan ko lang (at humingi na ako ng kapatawaran dahil sa kakitiran ng utak ko), he gave me a bad picture of the very company that he was working for. Imagine my surprise when he talked about "under the table" transactions. My dismay was from the way he said it. Like it was a part of a normal process in closing a contract. And so, for two months, I stalled and evaded Deng (nag-sorry na ko di ba? Huhu.) whenever she would ask me when I can start reporting for work. Me and my being righteous... haay.

Anyway, months after, during one of our social calls, Deng mentioned that RH was no longer connected with the company. Then a brief story to appease my curiosity followed.

And the rest is history.

Three-year anniversary na pala ng pagtatagpo namin ni so-called IT expert. (Hehe, nainggit lang ako sa lovebirds na nagcecelebrate ng kanilang week-saries...). Nonetheless, with anniversary or non, puno ng re-realizations ang araw ko:

1. Kung ikaw ay kaibigan (o pinsan, o kapatid) ng may-ari ng kumpanyang pinagtatrabahuhan mo, mas kailangang doblehin mo ang iyong efforts. Ikaw, higit sa kaninumang empleyado, ang susunod na ime-measure ng mga kliyente o kausap ng kumpanya. (Nasaan na kaya si so-called IT expert na dating so-called friend ni bossing? Sana ay natuto na siyang magprogram.)


2. Huwag maniniwala agad sa kwento. Kaya nga kwento, kasi pwedeng hindi totoo. At ang kwento, kahit pa sabihin mong "Mine is a fact", ay hindi applicable pa rin sa iba. (Nag-uunder the table pa rin kaya siya?)


3. Gawin ang dapat gawin at huwag mawawala sa focus. Mapapansin ka rin nila kung talagang ginagawa mo ang iyong trabaho. (Salamat CJ sa realisasyong ito. Irerelate ko na lang sa malawakang inog ng buhay. Hehe.)


4. Kung nasa tama ka, hindi magiging mali ang sitwasyon. At pag tunay kang tama at swerte, pati kaaway mo ay papanig sa iyo. (Ke abugado man siya o hindi. Hehe. Do I need to rephrase? Sige, let me rephrase, "Kung nasa tama ka, hindi magiging mali ang sitwasyon. At pag tunay kang tama at swerte, pati kaaway mo ay papanig sa iyo.")

Yun, ito muna. Kwento lang ito, at ito ang kwento ko. Maniwala ka.

Kalyo

Pangit tingnan, nakaka-conscious ang kalyo.

Naalala ko lang kasi nahalungkat ko yung luma kong sapatos na nagbigay din ng kalyo sa paa ko. Dalawang beses ko lang kasi naisuot yun, pero dahil nga kinalyo ako, hindi ko na inulit isuot.

Pero may mga kalyo din ako dati na namimiss ko at gusto kong magkaroon ulit. Yung kalyo ko sa mga daliri noong nagpapakatrying hard akong maggitara. Noon din, madalas akong maggupit ng kuko, hehe, siyempre para maayos ang mga diin sa kwerdas.

Haay, sobrang tagal ko ng hindi nakakapaggitara. Inaalikabok na nga yung gitara ko sa music room ng 8liens. Naninibugho na siguro sa kin yun at nagtatanong kung kailan ko ba ulit siya patutugtugin, o kailan ako ulit gagawa ng kanta…

Namimiss ko na talagang kalyuhin sa kamay.

Di bale, pag sinipag ako, iuuwi ko na si gitara. Para naman makapagpahinga sumandali ang BNL at si Bayang at Chikoy sa Rhythmbox Music Player ko.

Life goes on, but whose life?

Fear. Now I know what it felt like. The accident showed me fear in the ravines of never-ending darkness. The realization is unmistakable. We could have died. That instant, that night.

I can almost see the headline: Tragedy ended a night of stories, songs, laughters, alcohol…

It happened Sunday. Then the nightmares started coming. It is always pitch black, a cold dark night. I felt like a halloween character on elm street. The waking moments are just as bad. I am shivering cold. Then the uncontrollable tears. Right now, I haven’t gotten over the sobs yet. So I am here. Writing. A selfish way for me to let the nightmares go away, the fear…

And the paranoia that I am not safe outside. Not safe at all.

But life goes on. Of course, accidents happen. The news are full of it.

The cruel question is what then, what after?

Still alive, those I knew shall celebrate our “2nd life” with stories, songs, laughters, and that stress-relieving, pain-numbing, truth-be-told, self-exposing, laugh-inducing, tear-secreting no-care-in-the-world-i-am-free-i-am-wild liquid.

If dead, a day or two of mourning. And life goes back to usual. Yes, life must go on. Ours should too. We’re here. We’re not ghosts.

What were the lessons learned? If there were, is it ours to learn alone?

What could have been learned? I hope what happened doesn’t amount to nothingness.

As for me, fear is leading me to a path of bravery. That road where realizations are slowly unfolding: about people and places, about chances and thanksgiving, about friends and families.

About helping hands and sincere gestures.

About funny stories and real laughters.

About work and colleagues.

I can all recall them.

And I’m grateful that I can.

Choose ko 'Day!

Fact: Mula noong pagpasok ng 2009 (2% ng 2009, hehe), hindi pa ako naabsent sa beer. Ewan ko ba, parang gabi-gabi na lang, sa mga napupuntahan ko, laging may sesyon, e hamak na tapos na ang Oktoberfest. Jan 1, New Year's celebration; Jan 2, 70s Bistro sa pagbabay sa berdey ni bossing Mara; Jan 3, wedding preps kila Annie; Jan 4, wedding ni Annie; Jan 5, 8liens sa Bahay ni Juan; Jan 6, DNS sharing ni Junior; at kagabi, naunsyaming Email Server sharing ni Roz.

Fiction: Lasing Philosophy pa rin. Hindi maipaliwanag ng "utak kong lito" (henyo, pahiram ng iyong legendary phrase... hehe...) at mananatiling higanteng question mark ang katinuan ng isang tao kapag nalalasing. Although may mga basis na ako tulad ng nangyari kay Roz ("Hindi ako lasheng!"), at kay JR (kunwari hindi tunay na pangalan, haha!) na kumakanta ng "Di Ako Iiyak" habang nanglilimahid sa luha ang mga mata.

Fact: Nakakuha na si Momsy ng US NIV. Na-aapprove siya for a 10-year multiple entry under non-immigrant status sa US. Ang saya nga e. Nagtambay ako sa Baclaran Church, nakapagnovena kay St. Gerard, at naka-attend ng misa para sa 3 Kings. Hayan, sana hindi na mamroblema ang ate ko habang tinatapos yung kanyang grad studies. Ngayon pa lang, sobrang namimiss ko na si Momsy. Five months kaya siya dun! Ibig sabihin, 5 months akong walang ina. Waaah! Walang adobo, walang dinuguan, walang seafood curry... at walang bantay ang Popsy ko?! Oh no!

Fiction: Matuto kaya akong magluto in five months?

Fact: Isa na akong misyon. Kahit saan yata ako mapadpad -- sa trabaho, sa reunion, sa salu-salo sa barkada, nagmimistula akong nakakatawang tampulan ng tukso. Kulang na lang, ipost nila ang profile ko sa lost and found section ng mga dating sites sa internet. Kaya nga nagsenti mode ako sa Walang Malay. In fairness, hindi naman ako choosy (hindi talaga!!!). Sila ang choosy. Hehe, palusot.

Fiction: Malas daw ang mga taong ipinanganak sa year of the rabbit ngayong year of the ox. Ibig sabihin, malas ako. Pero sa nagdaang 2% ng 2009, hindi pa naman ako minamalas. Pero hello, last year kaya, swerte daw kami. Ngee, hindi kaya. Kung swerte ang mga rabbits last year, sana nakapagbreed na ako. Haha!

Fact: Solve ako sa ilang natanggap kong holiday gifts. Si SciPhone, si Baguio shirt, si Pink VS perfume, si Red jacket, si Sagada bead bracelet, at si lucky door charm. At siyempre, pababasbasan ko na rin si crystal bead rosary. Sa mga nakaalala, sobrang daming salamat. Sa mga makakaalala pa lang, thank you in advance. Hehe.

Fiction: Huwag ko kayang ibigay yung mga hindi ko pa naiaabot na holiday gifts ko? Selfish.

Here comes 2009!

Whew, and 2009 came! 2008 ended with a blast with our Sagada post-Christmas venture topping my list of unforgettables. The 8liens, I mean, me and my 8layer colleagues, invaded Sagada again last 26-29 of December (twas this time last year that we were there). This time, instead of Sagada surviving us, it is we who survived! Especially, our dear Kuya Willy, who almost peed in his pants trying to hold on to dear life in one of the tricky part of the cave connection trek. Sad to say, I wasn’t there to see it. Our group came a bit later, not fast enough to overtake the first group. I had to rely on the very detailed recollection of the 8liens about the rescue mission. (Lester of Saggas, you’re a hero!) Haha!

Another 2008 ender for me was the reunion of the V5 dabarkads last December 30 and held in our home sweet home. I survived it too! Imagine, fresh from Sagada and from the Autobus mishap (ran out of fuel, fortunately, we were already somewhere in QC!), I was dizzyingly still recovering from the cold (literally!) nights of Mt. Province, sleepy and battered from the long travel back.

I miss my “baby” Datdat too. I’m sure, Dada and Nellie misses her too. Lovely, she is. My “adopted” Christmas baby is one lucky girl. She captured two baby-less couples wanting to take her as their own. If only her true family can realize what an angel she is. Sigh!

It’s already 4AM and I am rattling my brain on what other things in 2008 have been quite unforgettable for me… Wow! Can’t list them down for now. All I can say is that 2008 was tons of blessing. Been with truly amazing people and every inch of them, every experience I had, every memory would take a whole lot of space… yehoy!

Well, I guess, it is better to look forward than look back.

2009, here I come!

A blissful and productive year ahead, everyone!

P.S.
This blog is supposed to have photos… still waiting for uploads… got no cam, yet. hehe.

The Embracing Warmth of Darkness

The looming darkness came in the form of a client who just can’t seem to throw us the “I’m busy and I can’t afford you to be busy like me” and hangs up the phone when there are things left to be discussed.

But darkness too is warmly embracing. I guess this is why closing our eyes do wonders to ease our tensions and calm our nerves, why we sleep at night and feel rejuvenated in the morning.

Basahin ang kabuuan