Life goes on, but whose life?

Fear. Now I know what it felt like. The accident showed me fear in the ravines of never-ending darkness. The realization is unmistakable. We could have died. That instant, that night.

I can almost see the headline: Tragedy ended a night of stories, songs, laughters, alcohol…

It happened Sunday. Then the nightmares started coming. It is always pitch black, a cold dark night. I felt like a halloween character on elm street. The waking moments are just as bad. I am shivering cold. Then the uncontrollable tears. Right now, I haven’t gotten over the sobs yet. So I am here. Writing. A selfish way for me to let the nightmares go away, the fear…

And the paranoia that I am not safe outside. Not safe at all.

But life goes on. Of course, accidents happen. The news are full of it.

The cruel question is what then, what after?

Still alive, those I knew shall celebrate our “2nd life” with stories, songs, laughters, and that stress-relieving, pain-numbing, truth-be-told, self-exposing, laugh-inducing, tear-secreting no-care-in-the-world-i-am-free-i-am-wild liquid.

If dead, a day or two of mourning. And life goes back to usual. Yes, life must go on. Ours should too. We’re here. We’re not ghosts.

What were the lessons learned? If there were, is it ours to learn alone?

What could have been learned? I hope what happened doesn’t amount to nothingness.

As for me, fear is leading me to a path of bravery. That road where realizations are slowly unfolding: about people and places, about chances and thanksgiving, about friends and families.

About helping hands and sincere gestures.

About funny stories and real laughters.

About work and colleagues.

I can all recall them.

And I’m grateful that I can.

Choose ko 'Day!

Fact: Mula noong pagpasok ng 2009 (2% ng 2009, hehe), hindi pa ako naabsent sa beer. Ewan ko ba, parang gabi-gabi na lang, sa mga napupuntahan ko, laging may sesyon, e hamak na tapos na ang Oktoberfest. Jan 1, New Year's celebration; Jan 2, 70s Bistro sa pagbabay sa berdey ni bossing Mara; Jan 3, wedding preps kila Annie; Jan 4, wedding ni Annie; Jan 5, 8liens sa Bahay ni Juan; Jan 6, DNS sharing ni Junior; at kagabi, naunsyaming Email Server sharing ni Roz.

Fiction: Lasing Philosophy pa rin. Hindi maipaliwanag ng "utak kong lito" (henyo, pahiram ng iyong legendary phrase... hehe...) at mananatiling higanteng question mark ang katinuan ng isang tao kapag nalalasing. Although may mga basis na ako tulad ng nangyari kay Roz ("Hindi ako lasheng!"), at kay JR (kunwari hindi tunay na pangalan, haha!) na kumakanta ng "Di Ako Iiyak" habang nanglilimahid sa luha ang mga mata.

Fact: Nakakuha na si Momsy ng US NIV. Na-aapprove siya for a 10-year multiple entry under non-immigrant status sa US. Ang saya nga e. Nagtambay ako sa Baclaran Church, nakapagnovena kay St. Gerard, at naka-attend ng misa para sa 3 Kings. Hayan, sana hindi na mamroblema ang ate ko habang tinatapos yung kanyang grad studies. Ngayon pa lang, sobrang namimiss ko na si Momsy. Five months kaya siya dun! Ibig sabihin, 5 months akong walang ina. Waaah! Walang adobo, walang dinuguan, walang seafood curry... at walang bantay ang Popsy ko?! Oh no!

Fiction: Matuto kaya akong magluto in five months?

Fact: Isa na akong misyon. Kahit saan yata ako mapadpad -- sa trabaho, sa reunion, sa salu-salo sa barkada, nagmimistula akong nakakatawang tampulan ng tukso. Kulang na lang, ipost nila ang profile ko sa lost and found section ng mga dating sites sa internet. Kaya nga nagsenti mode ako sa Walang Malay. In fairness, hindi naman ako choosy (hindi talaga!!!). Sila ang choosy. Hehe, palusot.

Fiction: Malas daw ang mga taong ipinanganak sa year of the rabbit ngayong year of the ox. Ibig sabihin, malas ako. Pero sa nagdaang 2% ng 2009, hindi pa naman ako minamalas. Pero hello, last year kaya, swerte daw kami. Ngee, hindi kaya. Kung swerte ang mga rabbits last year, sana nakapagbreed na ako. Haha!

Fact: Solve ako sa ilang natanggap kong holiday gifts. Si SciPhone, si Baguio shirt, si Pink VS perfume, si Red jacket, si Sagada bead bracelet, at si lucky door charm. At siyempre, pababasbasan ko na rin si crystal bead rosary. Sa mga nakaalala, sobrang daming salamat. Sa mga makakaalala pa lang, thank you in advance. Hehe.

Fiction: Huwag ko kayang ibigay yung mga hindi ko pa naiaabot na holiday gifts ko? Selfish.

Here comes 2009!

Whew, and 2009 came! 2008 ended with a blast with our Sagada post-Christmas venture topping my list of unforgettables. The 8liens, I mean, me and my 8layer colleagues, invaded Sagada again last 26-29 of December (twas this time last year that we were there). This time, instead of Sagada surviving us, it is we who survived! Especially, our dear Kuya Willy, who almost peed in his pants trying to hold on to dear life in one of the tricky part of the cave connection trek. Sad to say, I wasn’t there to see it. Our group came a bit later, not fast enough to overtake the first group. I had to rely on the very detailed recollection of the 8liens about the rescue mission. (Lester of Saggas, you’re a hero!) Haha!

Another 2008 ender for me was the reunion of the V5 dabarkads last December 30 and held in our home sweet home. I survived it too! Imagine, fresh from Sagada and from the Autobus mishap (ran out of fuel, fortunately, we were already somewhere in QC!), I was dizzyingly still recovering from the cold (literally!) nights of Mt. Province, sleepy and battered from the long travel back.

I miss my “baby” Datdat too. I’m sure, Dada and Nellie misses her too. Lovely, she is. My “adopted” Christmas baby is one lucky girl. She captured two baby-less couples wanting to take her as their own. If only her true family can realize what an angel she is. Sigh!

It’s already 4AM and I am rattling my brain on what other things in 2008 have been quite unforgettable for me… Wow! Can’t list them down for now. All I can say is that 2008 was tons of blessing. Been with truly amazing people and every inch of them, every experience I had, every memory would take a whole lot of space… yehoy!

Well, I guess, it is better to look forward than look back.

2009, here I come!

A blissful and productive year ahead, everyone!

P.S.
This blog is supposed to have photos… still waiting for uploads… got no cam, yet. hehe.

The Embracing Warmth of Darkness

The looming darkness came in the form of a client who just can’t seem to throw us the “I’m busy and I can’t afford you to be busy like me” and hangs up the phone when there are things left to be discussed.

But darkness too is warmly embracing. I guess this is why closing our eyes do wonders to ease our tensions and calm our nerves, why we sleep at night and feel rejuvenated in the morning.

Basahin ang kabuuan

Likas na Makasarili

Kung nais mo raw tunay na makilala ang isang tao, huwag kang makinig sa kanyang mga sinasabi kundi sa kanyang mga kilos at reaksiyon.

Kaya nga pinag-aaralan din sa komunikasyon ang mga non-verbal ways ng pakikipagtalastasan at ito yung nag-aaccount sa 70% ng communication effectiveness. Mas mataginting daw kasi ang nais ipahiwatig ng mga sulyap ng mata, lawak ng ngiti, bilis ng hakbang, ikom ng palad, biling ng ulo, laglag ng balikat at tono ng boses.

Pero kung likas din na artista at artistahin, pasensya pero maaari ka ring malinlang. Pero kahit artista, kung wala sa harap ng camera at nasa normal na sitwasyon, ay makikilala mo rin siya kanyang mga ipinapakitang kilos.

Dahil ang tao ay likas na makasarili. At dahil makasarili, hindi mo rin agad makikita ang tunay na pagkatao kasi nga sinasarili niya. Hehehe.

In general, una niyang iisipin ang kanyang sarili — kasama nito ang sariling mga pangarap, adhikain, kinabukasan, o anumang gusto nilang mangyari.

Sige, para maging kapani-paniwala, maglalagay ako ng source.

Ayon kay Ayn Rand, selfishness is a virtue. Ito yung sentro ng mga pamoso niyang nobela. Pero ang selfishness na tinalakay dito ay may ibang pakahulugan sa alam nating pagkamakasarili at hindi ang selfishness na madalas nating ihalintulad sa kasakiman.

Sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa ng mga libro ni Ayn Rand, inuulit ko, hindi ito yung selfishness na madalas, kahit pinagkakatago ng mga kurakot, ay naamoy pa rin ng mga taong ang ginagawa naman ay ibulgar sila.

Iba rin ito sa hindi pagcocontribute o pagseshare ng mga kaalaman dahil nais mong ikaw lang ang nakakaalam at ikaw lang ang umunlad dahil sa kaalamang iyon. Halimbawa nito ang monopolyo o kaya ay sa simpleng halimbawa, ang hindi pagsasabi sa iyong mga kasama ng nais na timpla ng kape ng iyong boss dahil gusto mong ikaw lang ang nagtitimpla ng kape niya, kahit pa nakabakasyon ka ng isang buwan.

Hindi ito yung selfishness na lagi nating inihahalintulad sa pag-iisip sa sarili, at tanging sarili lamang, na pati kunsensya mo ay ayaw mong kausapin. Na ang iyong gawa o pagiisip ay ganito, “Ako lang, hindi ikaw, pero kung ikaw man, ako pa rin.”

Kumbaga, para maging virtue ang selfishness, kailangan mo pa ring maging rasyonal at kaya mong sabihin at ipakita ang kahalagahan ng iyong sarili at ng iyong mga gawa, na tama at may silbi ka bilang tao, at dahil dito, nagiging kapakipakinabang kang miyembro ng sosyedad. Ganito ang sistema ng Objectivism. Ang pagpili ng isang gawa o desisyon base sa rason (hindi emosyon), na hindi mo kailangang isakripisyo ang iyong sarili para sa iba o ang iba para sa iyong sarili.

In short, malaya kang maging ikaw. Parang si Dr. House. Although may mga episodes na kakikitaan din siya ng karampot na emosyon, kadalasan pa ring umaangat ang kanyang rasyonalidad, at ito ang nagiging daan upang maging epektibo siyang doktor. At pamoso siya hindi dahil sa kaweirduhan niya kundi sa kanyang galing.

Ibig sabihin lang, hindi mo kailangang manahimik o magtago dahil hindi mo kailangang manahimik o ilihim ang isang bagay na alam mong rasyonal at may silbi, na magpapatunay din na isa kang kapakipakinabang na nilalang, at karapatan mo ito.

Ganito din ang prinsipyo ng mga bidang karakter ni Rand. Si Howard Roark na isang arkitekto na hindi niya kinompromiso ang tingin niyang tunay na kagandahan ng isang istruktura kahit pa dumating ang panahong wala ng magpadisenyo sa kanya. Si John Galt na nakaimbento ng mas matibay, mas mura, at mas magaan na elemento kaysa bakal at hindi sumuko kahit pa isumpa na siya pati ng gobyerno.

Isang kahihinatnan din ng Objectivism ang free market. Na may karapatan ang bawat isang ipakita ang kanilang mga gawa, malaya itong suriin at batikusin, at malaya ang bawat indibidwal na mamili ng para sa kanya.

Naalala ko nga yung isang rason kung bakit tila hirap na hirap ang ilang ahensya ng gobyerno (o ilang tao na humahawak dito) sa pagtanggap ng F/OSS.

Sa pag-iimplement kasi ng mga proyektong Open Source, hamak na mas maliit ang kailangang budget kahit pa higit na mas kapakipakinabang, mas madaling gamitin, at mas mataas ang seguridad ng mga teknolohiyang nasuri at nagamit na ng mga indibidwal na gumagamit at naniniwala din dito. At dahil mas maliit ang kailangang i-invest sa mga proyektong Open Source, wala ng alokasyon para sa kurakot.

Kaya mahirap itong tanggapin ng mga taong ang pagiging makasarili ay kasinghulugan ng kasakiman.

The Eheads Reunion Concert

Grabe, napuno yung tatlong parking lots sa gawi ng The Fort Strip nung magconcert ang Eheads noong Sabado. Ni hindi na nga namin naumpisahan yung opening number nila na may fireworks at usok dahil noong mga oras na yon, nagtatatakbo pa kami at naghahanap kung saan ang entrance.

Pero enjoy na rin kahit andun kami sa bandang likod. May projector screen naman. Solve na rin.

Nakakatuwa ang crowd. Lahat kumakanta. Lahat sumasayaw. May nagslapdance pa nga sa harap namin. May na-knock out pero kunwari di ko kilala. Hehe.

Kanya-kanyang ikot din ng treats. May naglibre ng drinks, tas burger, tas hotdogs!

Magkakasecond round pa sana kami ng food treats kaso, after the band’s 20-minute break, Ely’s sister, Lally, joined by the rest of the band, Marcus, Raimund and Buddy, announced that Ely was rushed to the hospital. Sobrang natahimik yung crowd. Parang lahat, nawalan ng vocal chords.

On the Eheads concert, the audience felt both extremes, an utmost emotional ride: total jubilation in finally seeing and singing with the band after six years… and total sadness, hearing firsthand that Ely’s physical and emotional strains took its toll.

Like most of those in the crowd, I too felt like not going. It was as if I was waiting for Ely to make a grand entrance and wow us again. Pero habang pinagmamasdan ko yung mga taong parang mga tinakasan ng lakas at ayaw pang umuwi, na-appreciate ko ang crowd. They’re hearts are with the band. No one was heard saying, sayang ang ticket o sayang ang pagod sa pagpila ng mahaba at pagtayo ng halos isang oras.

The concert may have ended abruptly. Sad as it did, at least I was there. I was one of the 20,000 who belted those familiar hits with the Eheads live on stage. Even if it was just half of their repertoire, it was grand. For me, it was worth it.

I just hope and wish that Mr. Ely Buendia would spring back to health para naman “Eraserheads, the Comeback” na! Sabi nga ni Ely, “They try to tell us we’re too old…” Eh, pano na lang ako?

As of the latest news beats, Ely is stable and doing well. Really uplifting news for a fan like me. Kahit another six years pa siyang magpahinga, pipila ako ulit sa susunod na reunion. Feeling classmate ko sila e.

Denials and Paranoia

i woke up rather grouchy this morning. i cannot shake the sense of foreboding. this cloud has been following me since last week, and my regular denial of things to come only heightens my paranoia — that im up for a series of unfortunate events.

it’s like i am feeling a string of luck turned bad is about to happen. like i will be going for emotional mishaps. that kind where anticipations and promises are taken for granted that will leave me crushed and in agony.

or maybe, i will find out things that i don’t want to in the first place. or someone will hurt me really bad and tell me that 5-letter word which i don’t want to hear embellished with encouragement that i don’t really need.

my mind is a noisy whir. i can’t specifically point what it is exactly. but somehow, i have an idea. and disturbing as it may sound, it all boils down to misplaced kindness and false hopes. that somehow, a face of treachery is bound to be revealed.

but i don’t want to think about it. or maybe, i am just denying the warnings, the signs, the hidden truths which i can’t just bury in nothingness just by keeping busy. nor can i dispel the thought that i am bound to be sacrificed because i am in the way, or maybe, of no real use, or just that, a pawn.

for a night, i did forget. the eheads concert. it’s so nice to have them back. but like my moments, it was short-lived. the depression of things to come came back lurking like a ghost. i can’t dispel it.

i only need the truth. just to hear it said. even when that’s the last thing i want to know.

still, i am waiting. if only to tell myself, i am sane, and i am right.