BuzzStop

Leaving to Stay

2011-06-09T12:31:00.001+08:00

I submitted my work resignation three weeks ago but was given an option to simply take a leave of absence for a month. It didn't occur to me to apply for a work leave since most of the one- or two-day LOA I filed were turned down. So I said, all right. One-month leave it is.

I'm on my third-official day leave. Without pay. The research job I had was too "easy" that I feel guilty not turning it weeks ahead of when it's expected. So it means, I don't have anything to do while staying at home with my parents while they're "looking after me". My Pospy and Mumsy somehow started to feel bright and sunny (amidst the threatening low pressure area) when I began staying home.

Books became a constant companion again. Ooh, lotsa times now to spend reading. Since I am scrimping, I reread Sheldon's Windmills of the Gods and Tolkien's The Hobbit.

Then, things had been turning up one event at a time. Opportunities that I have overlooked for quite a while now and I'm just starting to fully enjoy "working from home" while having the freedom to grab the invites to travel. I have three trips scheduled for the year - CDO, Palawan and GenSan.

Here's me crossing my fingers and toes for a homebody me! :)

kung masama ang gising

2009-04-28T12:54:00.000+08:00

May mga umaga talaga na magigising kang pakiramdam mo, dinaganan ka ng jupiter at hinigop ng black hole. Ito yung cliche na “waking up on the wrong side of the bed”.

Para sa akin, ang masamang gising ay isang sumpa… Hehe. May inaalagaan kasi akong kapangyarihan na kahit pilit ko mang ideny ay hindi ko maiwasan. Nakakakita kasi ako ng mga flashbacks este flashforths (future kasi, ehem!). Nope, hindi ako psychic. Psychopathic!

Seriously though, kahit gaano pa kasama ang aking gising, ang nasasabi ko na lang, “aba, nagising pa ako!”.

Mabuhay ang mga gising!

“Miss, itutulak kita”

2009-04-21T12:53:00.000+08:00

Naranasan ko noon na ipagtulakan palabas. Actually, nagpaalam pa nga yung tutulak sa akin na itutulak nya ko.

Masikip kasi noon sa MRT, lunes ng umaga, rush hour. Sa sobrang sikip, kailangan mo talagang magsuper effort para mahawi mo yung mga tao para mabigyan ka ng daan. Akala ko madali lang, kasi payatotski naman ako. Madaling sumingit. Pero siksikan talaga kaya kahit anong gawin kong sigaw ng “EXCUSE ME!”, wala ring nangyari. Kaya sabi ng nagmagandang loob na babae, “Miss, itutulak kita. Hindi rin gagalaw yung iba pag hindi ka nagpilit!”

As in tulak, talaga! Para pa ngang naulinigan ko yung original pusher ng sinabi nitong, “O itulak niyo yung babae baka mapagsarhan!”

Kaya, yun, itinulak ako nung babae, at may iba pang nagala-pushers din hanggang makarating ako sa pintuan ng MRT.

Buti na lang fully padded ang aking Echolac bag kaya secure pa rin ang aking pinakamamahal na laftaf.

At mabuti na lang din, nagpaalam si original pusher sa kanyang gagawin. At least ready ako sa aking kakaharaping mga obstacles. Gayundin, sa pagpapaalam niya na itutulak ako, niready ko na rin ang sarili kong mabalian ng buto, makaamoy ng sarisaring body aroma, at masaktan.

Magandang learning experience nga iyon para sa akin. Kasi naalala ko rin nung minsang gusto kong aluin si bespren TeBe mula sa kanyang paghihinagpis sa pakikipagkalas ng kanyang bf. May joke text kasi akong nareceive pero masasaling ang kanyang damdamin. Tipo bang birong totoo. Pero kating-kati ang kamay kong ipabasa sa kanya. Kaya sabi ko, “TeBe, meron akong ipapabasa sa ‘yong joke, kaso masasaktan ka. Gusto mo bang saktan kita?”

Ang sabi niya, “Sure! Ikaw pa! Basta after, tatawa ako ha?”

Humagalpak naman siya sa tawa pagkabasa ng text. Sabi niya, hindi naman siya nasaktan. Slight lang. Niready naman daw niya ang kanyang sarili. :)

As for me, nireready ko lang ang aking sarili. Hinihintay ko kasi ang resulta ng aking effort-full journey to recovery. Isang oras din to. Sa tingin ko nama’y pwede na kong makipag-blood compact in an hour. Hayko!

Smiles of a Tot

2009-03-19T12:46:00.000+08:00

I have these two pics taken when I accompanied my nephew, Deen, to his Christmas Party last year. Deen is another tot, a 3-year old brilliance who can already read. In fact, he was the one who read the opening prayer before their party began.

As a toting Tita, since his parents where both indisposed at that time (sis was in US and bro-in-law was on an urgent business call) I asked Deen to pose for a souvenir picture.

Basahin ang kabuuan

Thought ni Tot

2009-03-18T12:49:00.000+08:00

Sino si Tot? Actually, hindi ito yung tunay niyang pangalan. Maganda lang yung rhyme. Ang name niya, Loreen, 3 years old. Isang tot. Malikot, madaldal, makulit, masayahin, biba. In short, isa siyang tipikal na batang 3-year old.

Siya at si Datdat (6-month old) ang nanggising sa kin kaninang umaga, empunto alas-siyete. Umiiyak kasi si datdat kaya tinawag ni Loreen ang mommy niya. Sumigaw siya, sabi, “Mommy, ang ingay ni Datdat! Magigising si Tita Jaja!”

Basahin ang kabuuan

The Free Man

2009-03-13T12:52:00.000+08:00

He became free the moment he realized he is one. But not after he got lost.

There, along the empty highway, long and wide, he drove as freely as he can humming a song he can’t rightly put where he heard, but hummed it as enthusiastically as he can anyway.

I am free, he said. Free to go anywhere. Free to go everywhere.

On his lap is the map of everywhere-and-anywhere-he-wanted-to-go. The opportunities of places are up his nose that he felt smiling all the way.

I am free, he said. Free to meet everybody. Free to go out with anybody.

He smoothed his hands on his newly bought mobile phone to store all the numbers of those he will meet and choose among them who he will go out with.

I am free, he said. Free to do everything I want. Free to do just anything.

He has a lifetime ahead of him. Only his imagination is his limit in thinking of ways to make his life exciting and fun.

Until he came on a fork on the road. One road northward, the other eastward and the third southward. Of course, there’s the other road that will lead him back, but for him, although he’s free to choose it, he’s also free not to. So he made up his mind and filtered his options: north, east or south?

As if a myriad, a ghost of a man came a-knocking on his car window. He asked, “where are you going?”

“I’m going everywhere and anywhere,” said the Free Man.

“So many in places in mind, but where do you want to go first?” asked the Ghost Man.

“Anywhere where everybody and all the fun is, can you tell me where to find it?”

“Ahh, what a travel you will endure. You have to really go everywhere to find the place you’re looking for. But if you’re going somewhere, I can point you to the right direction.”

“Somewhere can be anywhere! And I am right to go anywhere because I might find somewhere.”

The Ghost Man just shrugged his shoulder and without blinking pointed northeast.

“That’s nowhere! Why are you directing me to a road that doesn’t exist?”

“Because that’s where you want to go. You don’t want to go everywhere or anywhere. You’re just lost.”

“How can a free man like me get lost when I have the whole world waiting for me?”

“The world is not waiting for you. Just someone, but not everyone or anyone. I bet you are waiting to be found or else, free as you are, you can just go to any of these three roads and kept on driving. But you stopped. You want to be found.”

“No one will come looking for me. I am free now. I am my own man. I can go anywhere and everywhere I want.”

“Then choose a road, any road. Those roads have their own anywheres and anybodies,” and the Ghost Man disappeared.

The Free Man shifted gear and started going eastward but decided later that he should have gone straight north. He made a U-Turn trying to go back to that fork in the road. It shouldn’t have been far. He wasn’t driving that long. But he couldn’t find the fork.

So he kept driving, and driving mindlessly he did. This time, the humming was gone. He got tired and sleepy. Night was slowly creeping.

He slammed on the breaks. Furious, mad and frustrated, he got out of his car and saw that he was nowhere near where he wanted to go.

So he waited. To be found.

pluto, pamahiin at friday the 13th

2009-03-12T12:50:00.000+08:00

bukas, friday the 13th na naman. parang nangyari na ito nung isang buwan… at sa november na ang ulit nito! ibig sabihin, tatlong beses pala akong swerte sa taong ito! hehe.

eniweiz, pinapangunahan ko na maging optimistiko. kahit naman paano, nabahiran din ako ng pagiging mapamahiin, tulad ng hindi pagkanta tuwing nagluluto kasi daw makakapag-asawa daw ako ng matanda. kaya nga ang ginagawa ko, song and dance number pag nagluluto with matching sandok microphone. o di ba, effective? mukhang naabo na kahihintay yung aking magiging better half. waah!

naroon din yung bawal daw maligo at magwalis pag biyernes santo. ang tanong ko, bakit? ilang berdey ko na kaya ang natapat ng biyernes santo! alangan namang hindi ako maligo nun? kahiya naman sa nagrarangyaan kong mga guests.

tas huwag daw tumuloy sa pupuntahan kung may tatawid na pusang itim sa iyong daraanan. goodness, siguro kung naniniwala din sa pamahiin ang mga bossing ko, aba’y baka every other day, absent ako. may kapitbahay kasi akong may alagang pusang itim dati. namiss ko kaya un! asan na kaya siya?

to cut it short, ako ang taga-kontra ng mga pamahiin.

kaya nga hindi ako naniniwala na malas ang 13, lalu na ang friday the 13th.

sa illinois nga, iseselebreyt nila ang pagiging planeta ng Pluto sa March 13th. ito kasi ang araw na nadiskubre ni Clyde Tombaugh, taga-illinois, ang Pluto noong 1930. pero dahil nademote si Pluto bilang isang dwarf planet, para sa mga taga-illinois, kahit isang araw lang sa buong taon, kikilalanin nilang planeta si Pluto. at ang taunang pagkilalang ito ay mag-uumpisa sa friday the 13th, bukas! o, di ba kaswerte ni Pluto? demoted, pero greatly remembered.

parang buhay lang yan. ang iyong kamalasan ay swerte ng iba.

pero sabi nga, wala namang salitang malas. ang meron lang, taong hindi marunong makuntento sa buhay.

sakripisyo (sana!)

2009-02-25T12:43:00.000+08:00

ash wednesday nga pala ngayon. pinapaalala na naman ng Simbahang Katolika na anuman ang gawin natin ngayon, ano man ang marating, gaano man katayog ang maabot, babalik at babalik tayo sa alabok.

in the end, ang magiging sukatan pa rin ng buhay ay kung ano ang ating nagawa at para kanino tayo gumawa ng tama o mali. (atsaka pala “bakit”, “saan” at “paano”… hehe).

pero mahirap pa ring sukatin. mahilig kasing magpalusot ang tao. ang unang alibi: tao lang ako. nagkakamali.

kung susumahin, ilang pagkakamali ba ang dapat malampasan para maitama ang isang bagay? ilang luha at singhot, ilang galit, ilang pasakit, ilang lumbay, ilang pagkadapa o ilang pagsuway ba dapat ang hangganan para matuto at nang lumao’y maging masaya, kuntento at panatag ang ating mga konsensya? (oops, hello konsensya! ayan, pinapansin na kita…)

at naalala ko lang, pinaalala sa akin ng isang kaibigan ang sana’y gawing pag-obserba sa paggunita ng mahal na araw. ang text niya, “Fasting and abstinence ha?”

sa tuwing nangangamusta kasi siya, at nagtatanong kung nasaan ako, honest at open as i am, siyempre sasabihin ko kung nasaan ako. at lagi naman, nagkakataon, iba’t ibang lugar ang naa-update ko sa kanya. libis, cafe juanita, metrowalk, bahay ni juan, mugen, galleria, mcdo.

pero higit sa fasting at abstinence sa mga gimik (na kadalasa’y hindi ako gumagastos… hehehe, hindi sa user ako, wala lang talaga akong budget… palusot na totoo!), mas mainam na mag-fast at mag-abstain hindi lang sa pagkain, kundi mas dapat kong ituon ang aking pansin sa mga gawaing dapat ay nagpa-fast o nag-aabstain ako. example, babawasan ko ang pagiging taklesa. hehe. hindi lahat ng tao ay nakakaalam na ako’y isang nilalang na palabiro. charing!

so for now, buhay ko na muna ang aasikasuhin ko. at buhay ng mga taong umaasa na sana’y buhay pa ako.

Maniwala ka nga naman…

2009-02-03T12:44:00.000+08:00

Ang saya kaya kagabi. Got the chance to bond with another LCP classmate, CJ! Watta good news she brought with her... nope, di pa sya magku-quit. Good for her. Haha! But the news she brought was more filling than the dinner at Mongkok... She's getting married!

Lotsa best wishes, CJ. Your French man sure is lucky, very very. :) Sabi nga ni bossing, isang French ang nahango sa kahirapan.

The bad thing though was, she had to leave early (c'mon, 11PM is early still). Her fiance got no keys. Lost it thrice already. Haha.

Masaya din ako nung umaga pala. Naka-attend kasi ako ng hearing tungkol dun sa isang so-called project-finisher na naniningil para sa so-called finished project nya na isinubmit daw kay 8layer. Kaya naalala ko tuloy nung gabi yung isa sa mga so-called IT expert na dating taga-8layer (at itinuring na kaibigan ng aming bossing) din na involve dun sa so-called finished project.

Si so-called IT expert sa netsec at sysad kasi yung unang pinaharap sa akin nung magjo-join ako ng 8layer. Siyempre, dahil ang alam ko'y isa siya sa mga partners, someone who is supposed to know about the products, services, projects AND culture of the company, nakipagkwentuhan na rin ako. That was three years ago. January o February ng 2007 ata. Basta ang natatandaan ko lang (at humingi na ako ng kapatawaran dahil sa kakitiran ng utak ko), he gave me a bad picture of the very company that he was working for. Imagine my surprise when he talked about "under the table" transactions. My dismay was from the way he said it. Like it was a part of a normal process in closing a contract. And so, for two months, I stalled and evaded Deng (nag-sorry na ko di ba? Huhu.) whenever she would ask me when I can start reporting for work. Me and my being righteous... haay.

Anyway, months after, during one of our social calls, Deng mentioned that RH was no longer connected with the company. Then a brief story to appease my curiosity followed.

And the rest is history.

Three-year anniversary na pala ng pagtatagpo namin ni so-called IT expert. (Hehe, nainggit lang ako sa lovebirds na nagcecelebrate ng kanilang week-saries...). Nonetheless, with anniversary or non, puno ng re-realizations ang araw ko:

Kung ikaw ay kaibigan (o pinsan, o kapatid) ng may-ari ng kumpanyang pinagtatrabahuhan mo, mas kailangang doblehin mo ang iyong efforts. Ikaw, higit sa kaninumang empleyado, ang susunod na ime-measure ng mga kliyente o kausap ng kumpanya. (Nasaan na kaya si so-called IT expert na dating so-called friend ni bossing? Sana ay natuto na siyang magprogram.)

Huwag maniniwala agad sa kwento. Kaya nga kwento, kasi pwedeng hindi totoo. At ang kwento, kahit pa sabihin mong "Mine is a fact", ay hindi applicable pa rin sa iba. (Nag-uunder the table pa rin kaya siya?)

Gawin ang dapat gawin at huwag mawawala sa focus. Mapapansin ka rin nila kung talagang ginagawa mo ang iyong trabaho. (Salamat CJ sa realisasyong ito. Irerelate ko na lang sa malawakang inog ng buhay. Hehe.)

Kung nasa tama ka, hindi magiging mali ang sitwasyon. At pag tunay kang tama at swerte, pati kaaway mo ay papanig sa iyo. (Ke abugado man siya o hindi. Hehe. Do I need to rephrase? Sige, let me rephrase, "Kung nasa tama ka, hindi magiging mali ang sitwasyon. At pag tunay kang tama at swerte, pati kaaway mo ay papanig sa iyo.")

Yun, ito muna. Kwento lang ito, at ito ang kwento ko. Maniwala ka.

Kalyo

2009-01-25T12:36:00.000+08:00

Pangit tingnan, nakaka-conscious ang kalyo.

Naalala ko lang kasi nahalungkat ko yung luma kong sapatos na nagbigay din ng kalyo sa paa ko. Dalawang beses ko lang kasi naisuot yun, pero dahil nga kinalyo ako, hindi ko na inulit isuot.

Pero may mga kalyo din ako dati na namimiss ko at gusto kong magkaroon ulit. Yung kalyo ko sa mga daliri noong nagpapakatrying hard akong maggitara. Noon din, madalas akong maggupit ng kuko, hehe, siyempre para maayos ang mga diin sa kwerdas.

Haay, sobrang tagal ko ng hindi nakakapaggitara. Inaalikabok na nga yung gitara ko sa music room ng 8liens. Naninibugho na siguro sa kin yun at nagtatanong kung kailan ko ba ulit siya patutugtugin, o kailan ako ulit gagawa ng kanta…

Namimiss ko na talagang kalyuhin sa kamay.

Di bale, pag sinipag ako, iuuwi ko na si gitara. Para naman makapagpahinga sumandali ang BNL at si Bayang at Chikoy sa Rhythmbox Music Player ko.

Life goes on, but whose life?

2009-01-14T12:37:00.000+08:00

Fear. Now I know what it felt like. The accident showed me fear in the ravines of never-ending darkness. The realization is unmistakable. We could have died. That instant, that night.

I can almost see the headline: Tragedy ended a night of stories, songs, laughters, alcohol…

It happened Sunday. Then the nightmares started coming. It is always pitch black, a cold dark night. I felt like a halloween character on elm street. The waking moments are just as bad. I am shivering cold. Then the uncontrollable tears. Right now, I haven’t gotten over the sobs yet. So I am here. Writing. A selfish way for me to let the nightmares go away, the fear…

And the paranoia that I am not safe outside. Not safe at all.

But life goes on. Of course, accidents happen. The news are full of it.

The cruel question is what then, what after?

Still alive, those I knew shall celebrate our “2nd life” with stories, songs, laughters, and that stress-relieving, pain-numbing, truth-be-told, self-exposing, laugh-inducing, tear-secreting no-care-in-the-world-i-am-free-i-am-wild liquid.

If dead, a day or two of mourning. And life goes back to usual. Yes, life must go on. Ours should too. We’re here. We’re not ghosts.

What were the lessons learned? If there were, is it ours to learn alone?

What could have been learned? I hope what happened doesn’t amount to nothingness.

As for me, fear is leading me to a path of bravery. That road where realizations are slowly unfolding: about people and places, about chances and thanksgiving, about friends and families.

About helping hands and sincere gestures.

About funny stories and real laughters.

About work and colleagues.

I can all recall them.

And I’m grateful that I can.

Choose ko 'Day!

2009-01-08T12:40:00.000+08:00

Fact: Mula noong pagpasok ng 2009 (2% ng 2009, hehe), hindi pa ako naabsent sa beer. Ewan ko ba, parang gabi-gabi na lang, sa mga napupuntahan ko, laging may sesyon, e hamak na tapos na ang Oktoberfest. Jan 1, New Year's celebration; Jan 2, 70s Bistro sa pagbabay sa berdey ni bossing Mara; Jan 3, wedding preps kila Annie; Jan 4, wedding ni Annie; Jan 5, 8liens sa Bahay ni Juan; Jan 6, DNS sharing ni Junior; at kagabi, naunsyaming Email Server sharing ni Roz.

Fiction: Lasing Philosophy pa rin. Hindi maipaliwanag ng "utak kong lito" (henyo, pahiram ng iyong legendary phrase... hehe...) at mananatiling higanteng question mark ang katinuan ng isang tao kapag nalalasing. Although may mga basis na ako tulad ng nangyari kay Roz ("Hindi ako lasheng!"), at kay JR (kunwari hindi tunay na pangalan, haha!) na kumakanta ng "Di Ako Iiyak" habang nanglilimahid sa luha ang mga mata.

Fact: Nakakuha na si Momsy ng US NIV. Na-aapprove siya for a 10-year multiple entry under non-immigrant status sa US. Ang saya nga e. Nagtambay ako sa Baclaran Church, nakapagnovena kay St. Gerard, at naka-attend ng misa para sa 3 Kings. Hayan, sana hindi na mamroblema ang ate ko habang tinatapos yung kanyang grad studies. Ngayon pa lang, sobrang namimiss ko na si Momsy. Five months kaya siya dun! Ibig sabihin, 5 months akong walang ina. Waaah! Walang adobo, walang dinuguan, walang seafood curry... at walang bantay ang Popsy ko?! Oh no!

Fiction: Matuto kaya akong magluto in five months?

Fact: Isa na akong misyon. Kahit saan yata ako mapadpad -- sa trabaho, sa reunion, sa salu-salo sa barkada, nagmimistula akong nakakatawang tampulan ng tukso. Kulang na lang, ipost nila ang profile ko sa lost and found section ng mga dating sites sa internet. Kaya nga nagsenti mode ako sa Walang Malay. In fairness, hindi naman ako choosy (hindi talaga!!!). Sila ang choosy. Hehe, palusot.

Fiction: Malas daw ang mga taong ipinanganak sa year of the rabbit ngayong year of the ox. Ibig sabihin, malas ako. Pero sa nagdaang 2% ng 2009, hindi pa naman ako minamalas. Pero hello, last year kaya, swerte daw kami. Ngee, hindi kaya. Kung swerte ang mga rabbits last year, sana nakapagbreed na ako. Haha!

Fact: Solve ako sa ilang natanggap kong holiday gifts. Si SciPhone, si Baguio shirt, si Pink VS perfume, si Red jacket, si Sagada bead bracelet, at si lucky door charm. At siyempre, pababasbasan ko na rin si crystal bead rosary. Sa mga nakaalala, sobrang daming salamat. Sa mga makakaalala pa lang, thank you in advance. Hehe.

Fiction: Huwag ko kayang ibigay yung mga hindi ko pa naiaabot na holiday gifts ko? Selfish.

Here comes 2009!

2009-01-01T12:42:00.000+08:00

Whew, and 2009 came! 2008 ended with a blast with our Sagada post-Christmas venture topping my list of unforgettables. The 8liens, I mean, me and my 8layer colleagues, invaded Sagada again last 26-29 of December (twas this time last year that we were there). This time, instead of Sagada surviving us, it is we who survived! Especially, our dear Kuya Willy, who almost peed in his pants trying to hold on to dear life in one of the tricky part of the cave connection trek. Sad to say, I wasn’t there to see it. Our group came a bit later, not fast enough to overtake the first group. I had to rely on the very detailed recollection of the 8liens about the rescue mission. (Lester of Saggas, you’re a hero!) Haha!

Another 2008 ender for me was the reunion of the V5 dabarkads last December 30 and held in our home sweet home. I survived it too! Imagine, fresh from Sagada and from the Autobus mishap (ran out of fuel, fortunately, we were already somewhere in QC!), I was dizzyingly still recovering from the cold (literally!) nights of Mt. Province, sleepy and battered from the long travel back.

I miss my “baby” Datdat too. I’m sure, Dada and Nellie misses her too. Lovely, she is. My “adopted” Christmas baby is one lucky girl. She captured two baby-less couples wanting to take her as their own. If only her true family can realize what an angel she is. Sigh!

It’s already 4AM and I am rattling my brain on what other things in 2008 have been quite unforgettable for me… Wow! Can’t list them down for now. All I can say is that 2008 was tons of blessing. Been with truly amazing people and every inch of them, every experience I had, every memory would take a whole lot of space… yehoy!

Well, I guess, it is better to look forward than look back.

2009, here I come!

A blissful and productive year ahead, everyone!

P.S.
This blog is supposed to have photos… still waiting for uploads… got no cam, yet. hehe.

The Embracing Warmth of Darkness

2008-11-06T12:32:00.001+08:00

The looming darkness came in the form of a client who just can’t seem to throw us the “I’m busy and I can’t afford you to be busy like me” and hangs up the phone when there are things left to be discussed.

But darkness too is warmly embracing. I guess this is why closing our eyes do wonders to ease our tensions and calm our nerves, why we sleep at night and feel rejuvenated in the morning.

Basahin ang kabuuan

Likas na Makasarili

2008-10-07T12:29:00.001+08:00

Kung nais mo raw tunay na makilala ang isang tao, huwag kang makinig sa kanyang mga sinasabi kundi sa kanyang mga kilos at reaksiyon.

Kaya nga pinag-aaralan din sa komunikasyon ang mga non-verbal ways ng pakikipagtalastasan at ito yung nag-aaccount sa 70% ng communication effectiveness. Mas mataginting daw kasi ang nais ipahiwatig ng mga sulyap ng mata, lawak ng ngiti, bilis ng hakbang, ikom ng palad, biling ng ulo, laglag ng balikat at tono ng boses.

Pero kung likas din na artista at artistahin, pasensya pero maaari ka ring malinlang. Pero kahit artista, kung wala sa harap ng camera at nasa normal na sitwasyon, ay makikilala mo rin siya kanyang mga ipinapakitang kilos.

Dahil ang tao ay likas na makasarili. At dahil makasarili, hindi mo rin agad makikita ang tunay na pagkatao kasi nga sinasarili niya. Hehehe.

In general, una niyang iisipin ang kanyang sarili — kasama nito ang sariling mga pangarap, adhikain, kinabukasan, o anumang gusto nilang mangyari.

Sige, para maging kapani-paniwala, maglalagay ako ng source.

Ayon kay Ayn Rand, selfishness is a virtue. Ito yung sentro ng mga pamoso niyang nobela. Pero ang selfishness na tinalakay dito ay may ibang pakahulugan sa alam nating pagkamakasarili at hindi ang selfishness na madalas nating ihalintulad sa kasakiman.

Sa mga hindi pa nakakabasa ng mga libro ni Ayn Rand, inuulit ko, hindi ito yung selfishness na madalas, kahit pinagkakatago ng mga kurakot, ay naamoy pa rin ng mga taong ang ginagawa naman ay ibulgar sila.

Iba rin ito sa hindi pagcocontribute o pagseshare ng mga kaalaman dahil nais mong ikaw lang ang nakakaalam at ikaw lang ang umunlad dahil sa kaalamang iyon. Halimbawa nito ang monopolyo o kaya ay sa simpleng halimbawa, ang hindi pagsasabi sa iyong mga kasama ng nais na timpla ng kape ng iyong boss dahil gusto mong ikaw lang ang nagtitimpla ng kape niya, kahit pa nakabakasyon ka ng isang buwan.

Hindi ito yung selfishness na lagi nating inihahalintulad sa pag-iisip sa sarili, at tanging sarili lamang, na pati kunsensya mo ay ayaw mong kausapin. Na ang iyong gawa o pagiisip ay ganito, “Ako lang, hindi ikaw, pero kung ikaw man, ako pa rin.”

Kumbaga, para maging virtue ang selfishness, kailangan mo pa ring maging rasyonal at kaya mong sabihin at ipakita ang kahalagahan ng iyong sarili at ng iyong mga gawa, na tama at may silbi ka bilang tao, at dahil dito, nagiging kapakipakinabang kang miyembro ng sosyedad. Ganito ang sistema ng Objectivism. Ang pagpili ng isang gawa o desisyon base sa rason (hindi emosyon), na hindi mo kailangang isakripisyo ang iyong sarili para sa iba o ang iba para sa iyong sarili.

In short, malaya kang maging ikaw. Parang si Dr. House. Although may mga episodes na kakikitaan din siya ng karampot na emosyon, kadalasan pa ring umaangat ang kanyang rasyonalidad, at ito ang nagiging daan upang maging epektibo siyang doktor. At pamoso siya hindi dahil sa kaweirduhan niya kundi sa kanyang galing.

Ibig sabihin lang, hindi mo kailangang manahimik o magtago dahil hindi mo kailangang manahimik o ilihim ang isang bagay na alam mong rasyonal at may silbi, na magpapatunay din na isa kang kapakipakinabang na nilalang, at karapatan mo ito.

Ganito din ang prinsipyo ng mga bidang karakter ni Rand. Si Howard Roark na isang arkitekto na hindi niya kinompromiso ang tingin niyang tunay na kagandahan ng isang istruktura kahit pa dumating ang panahong wala ng magpadisenyo sa kanya. Si John Galt na nakaimbento ng mas matibay, mas mura, at mas magaan na elemento kaysa bakal at hindi sumuko kahit pa isumpa na siya pati ng gobyerno.

Isang kahihinatnan din ng Objectivism ang free market. Na may karapatan ang bawat isang ipakita ang kanilang mga gawa, malaya itong suriin at batikusin, at malaya ang bawat indibidwal na mamili ng para sa kanya.

Naalala ko nga yung isang rason kung bakit tila hirap na hirap ang ilang ahensya ng gobyerno (o ilang tao na humahawak dito) sa pagtanggap ng F/OSS.

Sa pag-iimplement kasi ng mga proyektong Open Source, hamak na mas maliit ang kailangang budget kahit pa higit na mas kapakipakinabang, mas madaling gamitin, at mas mataas ang seguridad ng mga teknolohiyang nasuri at nagamit na ng mga indibidwal na gumagamit at naniniwala din dito. At dahil mas maliit ang kailangang i-invest sa mga proyektong Open Source, wala ng alokasyon para sa kurakot.

Kaya mahirap itong tanggapin ng mga taong ang pagiging makasarili ay kasinghulugan ng kasakiman.

The Eheads Reunion Concert

2008-09-02T12:26:00.000+08:00

Grabe, napuno yung tatlong parking lots sa gawi ng The Fort Strip nung magconcert ang Eheads noong Sabado. Ni hindi na nga namin naumpisahan yung opening number nila na may fireworks at usok dahil noong mga oras na yon, nagtatatakbo pa kami at naghahanap kung saan ang entrance.

Pero enjoy na rin kahit andun kami sa bandang likod. May projector screen naman. Solve na rin.

Nakakatuwa ang crowd. Lahat kumakanta. Lahat sumasayaw. May nagslapdance pa nga sa harap namin. May na-knock out pero kunwari di ko kilala. Hehe.

Kanya-kanyang ikot din ng treats. May naglibre ng drinks, tas burger, tas hotdogs!

Magkakasecond round pa sana kami ng food treats kaso, after the band’s 20-minute break, Ely’s sister, Lally, joined by the rest of the band, Marcus, Raimund and Buddy, announced that Ely was rushed to the hospital. Sobrang natahimik yung crowd. Parang lahat, nawalan ng vocal chords.

On the Eheads concert, the audience felt both extremes, an utmost emotional ride: total jubilation in finally seeing and singing with the band after six years… and total sadness, hearing firsthand that Ely’s physical and emotional strains took its toll.

Like most of those in the crowd, I too felt like not going. It was as if I was waiting for Ely to make a grand entrance and wow us again. Pero habang pinagmamasdan ko yung mga taong parang mga tinakasan ng lakas at ayaw pang umuwi, na-appreciate ko ang crowd. They’re hearts are with the band. No one was heard saying, sayang ang ticket o sayang ang pagod sa pagpila ng mahaba at pagtayo ng halos isang oras.

The concert may have ended abruptly. Sad as it did, at least I was there. I was one of the 20,000 who belted those familiar hits with the Eheads live on stage. Even if it was just half of their repertoire, it was grand. For me, it was worth it.

I just hope and wish that Mr. Ely Buendia would spring back to health para naman “Eraserheads, the Comeback” na! Sabi nga ni Ely, “They try to tell us we’re too old…” Eh, pano na lang ako?

As of the latest news beats, Ely is stable and doing well. Really uplifting news for a fan like me. Kahit another six years pa siyang magpahinga, pipila ako ulit sa susunod na reunion. Feeling classmate ko sila e.

Denials and Paranoia

2008-09-01T12:28:00.000+08:00

i woke up rather grouchy this morning. i cannot shake the sense of foreboding. this cloud has been following me since last week, and my regular denial of things to come only heightens my paranoia — that im up for a series of unfortunate events.

it’s like i am feeling a string of luck turned bad is about to happen. like i will be going for emotional mishaps. that kind where anticipations and promises are taken for granted that will leave me crushed and in agony.

or maybe, i will find out things that i don’t want to in the first place. or someone will hurt me really bad and tell me that 5-letter word which i don’t want to hear embellished with encouragement that i don’t really need.

my mind is a noisy whir. i can’t specifically point what it is exactly. but somehow, i have an idea. and disturbing as it may sound, it all boils down to misplaced kindness and false hopes. that somehow, a face of treachery is bound to be revealed.

but i don’t want to think about it. or maybe, i am just denying the warnings, the signs, the hidden truths which i can’t just bury in nothingness just by keeping busy. nor can i dispel the thought that i am bound to be sacrificed because i am in the way, or maybe, of no real use, or just that, a pawn.

for a night, i did forget. the eheads concert. it’s so nice to have them back. but like my moments, it was short-lived. the depression of things to come came back lurking like a ghost. i can’t dispel it.

i only need the truth. just to hear it said. even when that’s the last thing i want to know.

still, i am waiting. if only to tell myself, i am sane, and i am right.

Hearts and Heads

2008-08-14T12:11:00.001+08:00

If I were to be an animal, I would want to be a shrimp. You see, shrimps have their hearts in their heads. I was thinking that maybe, if I am a shrimp, then I can tell my heart what to feel.

Or maybe, a starfish. So that I can grow back what I have lost.

Or an ostrich, whose eyes are bigger than its brains, so that I’ll be able to see more of the good things around me and less on thinking if I really should appreciate them.

Wishful thinking.

I am not a shrimp. I can’t tell my heart not to feel hurt.

I am not a starfish so there’s no way for me to bring back those that I have already lost.

Nor am I an ostrich, and my eyes even desperately needs glasses.

Got so much thinking to do. And so much to feel. But one thing is sure, I can’t do it both.

That’s why I’m blogging. Blogging somehow consolidates my luxury to be free-feeling and free-thinking.

So what am I feeling exactly? Hmm. All sorts. Just a moment ago, I wanted to just take a bus and go home. I guess I love going back home because going home means I have gone some place. Everytime, when I am with Popsy and Momsy, all stories exchanged seem fresh and new even if we have already talked (or laughed) about them before. My work takes a sideline too because sharing it with them is like using birds-and-the-bees to explain sex. With them, discussions about our fave topics on politics and religion are just meant to be just that, merely discussions, and are soon forgotten as soon as we huddle in front of the television.

I felt stressed too.

No amount of music can appease my head from thinking about stuffs like remitting my insurance, settling my credit card, paying my visa application fee, finishing my requirements, completing my checklist, beating my deadline, writing a new catch phrase, rewriting an old teaser…

Then I felt scared.

I also felt like running away.

And then I felt tired just thinking about it.

So I guess I have to sleep on it.

Midnight has come again. I never seem to miss it.

My Preliminary Battle Against Ranidaphobia

2008-07-31T01:35:00.001+08:00

they consider it a joke. i consider it a battle that i'll wage in feardom come until god-knows-when.

i thought i would just deal with it once a week, but then, i guess they're everywhere when the rainy season comes, even at 87-C!

87-C is the house number of our rented cum subsidized home-away-from-home and home-near-from-work in the middle of urban village called west capitol.

so you see, i am not expecting my great scourge to come leaping on our cemented carpark and crawling... goodness! one slimy little one was crawling just near the door knob! ooh, just thinking about it makes my head swell and my hands all clammy. i'm now getting the goosebumps too, and the palpitations.

see? i'm not laughing when they joke about my fear of frogs. and oh how they love to tease me now and then about it. how they love to see me scared and jumpy when they point at nothing and tell me "look ja, frog!".

or tell me i shouldn't be afraid of them, really, because one could turn out to be my prince!

so i have to start somewhere. conquer this fear which almost always embarasses me, but sends my so-called friends all ticklish and hooting. in fact, two friends sent me "froggy" gifts. a green burner with a miniature frog as decor and a cuddly frog stuffed toy. the first one is now broken and my friend told me i did it but i didn't.

now, the second one, ah! i took it as my preliminary stance to battle. i called it "froogie". i even displayed it on my table and brought it with me when we last visited baguio. poor thing, i left it at my friend's car.

some say talking about your fear is a good way to start a "treatment". all right, i'd rather talk about it than be in a room of... can't breathe!!!

lipad ko to

2008-07-29T20:34:00.001+08:00

naalala ko nung magpunta kami sa freedom bar. may dalawang banda na nagpasayo ng kanilang awitin at sinabing walang title yung kanilang tinugtog. tapos, sa conspiracy din, nung tumugtog si rj jmnz, may kinanta din siyang walang title. uso ata ang mga walang title ngayon. anyway...

last weekend, mahabang byahe ang ginawa ko. sa haba niya, mahaba-habang pagmumuni-muni din ang naganap sa isip kong tuliro na rin sa mga bagay-bagay na dapat kong gawin (pati na rin yung mga bagay na hindi ko dapat ginawa).

sa pagdating ko naman sa aking destinasyon, tila bulang naglaho sa aking itinerary ang mga binalak kong gawin habang kako nagpapahinga sa nilibreng tuluyan sa min ni dadadidodu. sarap kasing mapahinga dun. bagong klima. bagong kwarto't kama. bagong channel sa cable. bagong food staples. bagong mga kainan. bagong mga kwentong mumu (dun daw sa bed na tinulugan ko, yun daw yung huling hinigan ng katawang lupa nung mga magulang nung may-ari nung bahay, sumalangit nawa!), bagong mga trip (sabayan daw ba ang mga sandamakmak na aliens sa pakikipagtalastasan). in short, bagong mundo sa loob ng 48 oras. isang commercial ng yugto ng buhay ko.

sa pagpagtatapos ng aking paglalakbay sa norte, kasabay ng mga manaka-nakang ambon at pag-ulan, heto't back to my senses na ulit ako. pagbukas pa lang ni laftaf, parang routine, agad kong binuksan yung aking email at kasabay nun ang status ng aking mga tasks at projects. parang gusto akong kurutin nung mga overdues ko sa wiki at online documentation, ganun na rin yung mga artiks sa website. at nagyeyehey naman yung proyekto na makalap lahat ng mga document templates na kailangan namin sa opisina para naman mapabilis ang aming correspondences.

naroon din yung constant reminder ko na rebyuhin ang linux filesystem. pagdating kasi sa mga bagay na teknikal, ewan ko ba, pero sa short-term retention lang kinacategorize ng aking hippocampus ang mga ito. kaya para ma-override at mailagay sa long-term, kailangan kong magrebyu lagi. heto't nakalimutan ko na nga ulit kung alin sa ext3 at reiserfs ang may journalling. nakalagay kasi sa nokbuk ko, sa ext3 siya, pero sa isang sulok ng aking nagpipilit na makaintindi ng mga teknikalidad, reiserfs ang may journaling. buti na lang, pwedeng i-google! o di-ba, ang salitang "google" ay pwede na ngayong gamiting verb?

at hayun, nagkaiba lang pala ang ext3 at reiserfs sa usapang pinuhan ng sector. pareho naman palang may journalling. mas lamang nga lang sa ngayon ang reiserfs sa usapang journalling.

ano ba ang journalling? para sa mga linoobs (pinaikling linux newbies) at nyologs (non-linux users or no-linux backgrounds), ang journalling ay... ito yung... para siyang record book. bawat proseso na nangyayari sa filesystem, dito nila-log. kumbaga, isinusulat niya ang bawat transaksyon na ginawa mo sa iyong filesystem. importante ito sa mga pagkakataong magcrash ang iyong computer. nagbabasa-basa pa rin ako ngayon, pero pag naintindihan ko na ng lubusan, magandang mai-share ko na rin. tipong in vernacular para masaya. umpisahan ko sa filesystem, hindi nga lang ngayon. ike-ks (knowledge sharing) ko muna sa office.

haay. daming iniisip. pati tuloy yung interview sa embassy, kinatatakutan ko. kawawa naman si atenggot pag hindi ako nakapasa, lalu't pinayagan na ko sa office na mag-leave. kawawa kasi all-expense paid nya to. maliban dun sa interview appointment na binayaran ko ng $9.95. barya lang naman to compared sa visa apps na $131 at plane fare (two-way reservation na kaya). sayang talaga pag na-deny ako. waah! ang problema ko, paano ko mapapaniwala ang consul na super duper closely tied ako kay motherland para magnais ng greener pasture sa ibang lugar. ang akin lang naman, which is what i personally believe, ang nagpapasaya naman sa tao ay siya rin. kung matayog ang pamantayan nya para maging kuntento sa buhay, dapat matayog din ang dapat niyang abutin para makamit yon at dapat, tayugin nya rin ang lipad.

ako naman, hindi naman katayugan ang pangarap ko. pero lipad ko to. maaaring matayog sa iba, pero sa akin, i'm freely flying. nag-eenjoy na ko e. ganoon naman. basta gusto natin ang ating paglipad, kahit bumabagyo pa, kakayanin! atsaka, penguins can fly, di ba? haha! whee!

For a Reason

2008-06-23T20:32:00.001+08:00

i have always heard it being said: "things happen for a reason". so when things go nicely or screw up, there must be an explanation to it.

but when, even when we rack our brains and still can't find the reason, then to where do we look to find out why things happen? to the changing weather? in the stars? in the mindless wanderings of coincedences? or maybe, to someone else's reason?

or when finally found out what the reason is, why is it so hard sometimes to believe that IT IS?

when you've always been so dressed up and careful about the way you look, and the one time you got drenched under the rain was the same time when you accidentally met the person whom you've longed to see for eons-- is it a test of faith or a twist of fate?

when you know by heart all the formula for a series of theorem and the one thing that makes you sweat blood is the same formula that was asked for you to explain in a graded recitation, is a test of faith, or a twist of fate?

when the last person who you think would betray you was the one who did, is it a test of faith, or a twist of fate?

faith or fate, things still happen. changes unfold within or beyond understanding. if it falls outside of comprehension, is it better to seek for it or just let it slide and let whatever "reason" that made it happen be revealed?

i miss faith today. it flew a-distance to that place called fate. or maybe not. it didn't bid goodbye.

Mababaw na Luha

2008-06-17T15:07:00.000+08:00

minsan, kahit ayaw ko, nagagawa ko yung mga bagay na ayokong gawin. tulad ng magpunta sa mall kung wala din naman akong balak bilin. ang kasunod kasi noon, napapabili din ako. at sa mga panahon ngayon, ito ang isa sa mga iniiwasan kong gawin. isa kasi akong impulsive buyer.

kaso, last saturday, after naming pumunta sa Joomla! Day Philippines, sa sm city edsa na kami dumiretso para doon sumakay ng fx pauwi ng bulacan.

at dahil naroon na nga ako sa mall, ayun, napasyal ako sa isa sa mga paborito kong tambayan. next to the bookstore, video store ang madalas kong itinerary. sad to say, na-leisure shopping na naman ako ng sangkatutak na vcd at dvd on sale. kay, ibinili ko na rin si popsy ng father's day gift--dalawang 2-in-1 dvd collection ni fpj.

naalala ko tuloy noong nakakita kami ni ate ng oil painting ni susan roces. hawig kasi sa rendering na yon si mumsy kaya hindi na ako ngayon nagtataka kung bakit number 1 fan si popsy ni fpj. hehe.

niwey, pagdating sa aking home sweet home (hello weekend!), after makipagchikahan kay madir (wala si padir, may bonding session with da big boys), nanood kami ng isa sa mga binili kong vcd. "i am sam" yung una kong isinalang. this time, normal ang aking madir. hindi kasi niya natapos yung movie. nakatulugan na niya. pero ako, sobrang na-touch. "i am sam" was simply amazing (hi smart, pahiram ng byline). same commendation goes to sean penn. at napatunayan ko na ang dali akong mapaiyak ng movies.

pero dahil ayoko namang matulog ng mugto ang mata ko (mahapdi kaya yun paggising sa umaga), nagsalang ulit ako. "the secret garden" naman. sa isip ko kasi, tutal napanood ko na siya, hindi na siguro ako maiiyak. kaso, sawi ako. hindi ko rin napigilang maluha sa ending.

tulad ng "a walk to remember" na everytime feel kong panoorin, kahit sampung beses ko ng napanood, naiiyak pa rin ako. haay, ambabaw talaga ng luha ko. ibig bang sabihin nito, mababa ang eq ko?

pero di na baleng matawag na iyakin, wag lang immature. :))

Jadobong Manok

2008-06-08T15:38:00.000+08:00

Hindi ka raw matututong magbisikleta kung hindi ka matutumba at magagasgasan. Kung nag-aaral ka namang mag-drive, normal daw yung mabangga ka muna.

Kapag naman nag-aaral kang magluto, dapat matalamsikan ka muna ng mantika. Kaya nga nung natalamsikan ako habang nagluluto ng tikoy noong Chinese New Year, naisip ko, siguro, pwede na kong sumabak magluto.

Pero dapat pumasa muna sa strict standards ng aking mga intestines.

Nakapagluto na ko dati ng sinigang na maya-maya sa miso. Malakas lang ang loob ko kasi ako lang naman ang kakain. Nag-iisa kasi ako noon sa BCDA. Masarap naman siya. Ok naman ang asim. Kaso, dahil hindi ako marunong magbudget, napadami ang luto ko. Nauyam ako sa sinigang na maya-maya sa miso dahil tatlong araw ko siyang ulam.

Kanina, nagluto ako ng adobong manok. Isang linggo na kasing nasa freezer yung kawawang manok at walang pumapansin sa kanya. At dahil nag-iisa lang naman din ako, naglakas-loob na rin akong magluto.

Ang turo ni Mumsy, dapat sankutsado ang manok. Gisado sa sarili niyang mantika. So after kong isankutsa si chicken, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin.

Buti na lang, may cellphone si Mumsy! Nagising ko pa nga e. Pero natawa ang aking madir nang malaman niya ang pakay ng aking tawag. Kaya after niyang sabihin ang susunod na step para maging successful ang aking adobo, hinayaan ko na ulit siyang matulog.

All in all, I feel accomplished. Na-appease ko naman ang aking tiyan. Hindi naman masama ang lasa ng aking adobo. Next menu ko, tinola. Tutal, may manok pa rin sa freezer.

The Superb Problems

2008-05-26T17:57:00.000+08:00

My sister just can't help feeling ecstatic and worried at the same time.

Their 4-year old son, Yno, started building with his lego blocks when he was three, of edifice structures, boats and cars, and draws them, especially churches, schools and nature views, and colors them in complimentaries.

Their 2-year old son, Deen, can already read words like "puzzle", "dinosaur", "father", "mother", "suddenly" without attending any pre-school.

My sister, when I called her, was all problematic and jubilation. "My hands are full raising two kids, and now I have two geniuses! How does one raise them?"

She and Kuya Dino bought Yno fingerpaints and coloring books, then. But he had outgrown the paints and the crayons and went back into drawing much more complicated ones for his age (said his summer arts teacher). Now, Yno has just finished his 3x a week swimming lessons.

Deen is now the youngest in a free play school which is just three floors below their unit at Residencia.

I haven't visited them lately. But I'm itching to. The last time I got in touch was five days ago. I spoke with Yno and Deen over the phone and they were trying to update me on what they were watching on TV and what they had been doing.

"I go swimming, Tita Jaja", said Yno when I asked him how he is. "Mommy and Daddy in the office", said Deen when I asked where they are.

Goodie, miss them so. The kids, I mean. Haha!

To give or not to give

2008-05-26T15:30:00.000+08:00

"Pinahiram" ko kay Dada 'yung black/orange ko na Illustrazio padded backpack. Sabi ko, gamitin nya muna tutal may ginagamit naman akong Echolac na regalo naman sa kin ng kompanya noong Pasko. Pag nagustuhan niya, saka nya na lang ako bayaran.

Pero considering na si Dada 'yun, baka ireregalo ko na lang.

Read more

The Bank and the Buried

2008-05-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

It’s been two weeks now that I’d been getting help from melatonin to induce myself to sleep. And now I know why.

No, not why melatonin induces me to sleep but why I can’t seem to fall asleep even when I’m all spent mentally and physically.

Quite hard to believe the reason maybe, but now that I have at least an iota why would make me even more sleepless. But at least, I won’t be nursing “kaba” and “kutob” as if someone’s preying on me.

I come from a town that few people know and fewer still have been to. Long years ago, it had been “famous” for a spring resort and bowling lanes but something close to mismanagement had send it to finally stop operations. Now, the place is one big jungle of weeds and wild-others.

Read more

Anong ginawa ko noong Linggo?

2008-05-13T18:53:00.000+08:00

Nakakatuwa. Fully rejuvenated ako paggising ko ng Sunday. Haha! Buti na lang, nasabihan ko agad si Mumsy pagdating ko ng bahay noong Sabado na hindi pa ko natutulog (maliban dun sa idlip ko ng bus from Cubao to Bulacan since Friday). Kaya ayun, pagkakain ng hapunan, straight to bed ang byuti ko kaya Sunday dinner na ko ginising ni Mumsy.

Basahin ang kabuuan

Using my GSM phone as my GPRS modem via Bluetooth

2008-05-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

At long last, I can connect to the internet using my mobile phone via bluetooth!

I’ve been tinkering for the solution for the past few weeks and finally, I got it working. Of course with the much needed help and guidance from the OS community.

Here are the links that were of much help:

Archived post by togume in Ubuntu forum
Tom’s attempts to get GPRS working over bluetooth with his laptop
Bayan ni Juan

To read more on how I did it, here are the steps I took from activating my GPRS, checking my Bluetooth to finally using WvDial to establish connection.

I can also now connect using Gnome PPP but I have to save the story for the next post. Actually, the reason why I tried Gnome PPP was I failed to connect using WvDial the first time only to find out that I missed a digit in my Init3 string. Anyway, for those who can’t wait, you can go visit Bayan ni Juan for some helpful tips if you’re gonna use a data cable instead of Bluetooth.

Gooey, I’m way past my bedtime!

Until next post… Ciao!

Regrets

2008-05-07T13:42:00.001+08:00

The sure-winner answer to a pageant’s question of “If there’s one thing you’d like to change in your life, what would it be?” is None.

Well, of course, “None” needs to be qualified adding that mistakes had been made but they were learning experiences… blah blah.

If I were to be asked that, I would definitely say, an awful lot! (Ahm, as long as it’s not a pageant! Haha!)

The truth is there are things in the past that when I am reminded of it makes me regretful. The big question for me is “if I have the chance to go back in time and change those that I’ve regretted doing or NOT doing, would I take it?”

Now, that’s more like it. The last question takes out the hypocrisy.

And my answer would be a gargantuan YES.

Now, if only someone would ask me. Harharhar!

Google in Black

2008-04-25T15:22:00.001+08:00

As we all know, summer is fast approaching… or should I say, already here! This means that, naturally, our electric and water bills shoot up. We consume twice as much as we did when the weather’s much akin to our liking. You know, like you take a bath everyday now when just two months ago, you don’t take a bath at all. Haha!

One simple way to save on energy is by using Blackle. Not only will this lower our electric bill (hopefully) but we are also heeding the advocacy on global warming (whew!).

So how does Blackle save energy? And what is Blackle anyway?

Read more

Uyimbube

2008-04-22T14:29:00.000+08:00

I came across this very funny video in my RSS feeds (Google Top 10 Videos). So funny I decided to "blog" it, meaning, a little backgrounder related to the video and the lyrics as well for those who wanna sing along with hippo.

When you play the video, you'll hear the repetitive word "a-wimoweh" while Dog does its amazingly choreographed step. According to Wiki, wimoweh is uwimbube which means "you're a lion" in Zulu. The root word here is mbube (lion) and Mbube is the original title of the song recorded in 1939 by Solomon Linda's group The Evening Birds and became a hit in South Africe in 1940. A copyright issue arose when the movie The Lion King used the song although a number of renditions were made out of it and a number of movies used it too.

Read more and sing with Hippo

Sleepiness

2008-04-17T12:38:00.000+08:00

Yea, i'm blogging again. The reason being, i'm sleepy. The reason maybe, i snatched a bite at Annabelle's singkamas!

But my sleepiness is seemingly more physical mainly because my mind is still a whirlwind of things to do and tasks waiting to be flagged as DONE...

And i promised to do a brainless sharing on "the virtue of evil"... haha.

And i planned to blog about my week-long celebration of existence.

And i thought of those people and things i planned to blog. About dreamcatchers, about 8liens, about wishes and falling stars, about new songs in my head, about my new brainbench certification, about 2.3 to 2.4, about pursuits and long vacations, about ABOUTs.

Got to go. Real sleepy.

Salamatski!

2008-04-08T10:08:00.000+08:00

Biyernes pa lang ng gabi, nagte-text blast na si Kj. Saan at kelan daw ba gagawin yung kamitingan namin sa V5. Sabado na ko nakasagot. Suggestion ko, sa badmintunan. Tanong nya, "treat mo?" Sagot ko, opkors not, di ko pa naman berdey. Sabi niya, si pgma kasi inilipat ng 7. Ang V5, pinapalipat ng 6.

O di ba, mas makapangyarihan ang V5?

Basahin ang kabuuan

Ako din, masaya!

2008-03-31T21:09:00.000+08:00

Naiyak ako dun sa letter ng aming CEO. Reading between the lines, siyempre, kahit paano nakakarelate ako.

Tama, ang dami ng nangyari. Pero kung susumahin, nakakaisang taon pa lang naman ako (at tatlo na ang 8layer), but then, I share the same sentiment though mine is shallow compared to that of the primemovers of 8layer.

Marami na rin akong natutunan, naranasan at napatunayan.

Basahin ang kabuuan

The choices we make...

2008-03-05T17:35:00.000+08:00

"Yep, the past few weeks were a whirlwind of extremes. One event almost tested my restraint and made me most exhausted. Another tested my tolerance and made me most grateful to Him more than ever. Somehow, it made me realize that time is too short not to be enjoyed to the fullest."

Read more >>

Lasing Philosophy

2008-02-15T20:59:00.000+08:00

Tutal lasing ako ngayon, pagusapan natin ang katotohanan sa likod ng mga usapang lasing.

Pero bago iyon, isang backgrounder muna.

Ano ang pilosopiya?

Futek. Apat (hmm, aktwali higit pa...) na taon ko ring binuno ang pag-aaral nito. For the blogging moment, I'll confine the definition of philosophy to this: It is that which seems to be what you think and want to think it is although not exactly.

That settled, let's go to my topic.

Ano ba ang Pilosopiya ng Lasing?

To put it in context, mahirap ang topic na ito. Parang Epistemology. It's begging the question. Una, sa Epistemology kasi, pinagaaralan ang "knowledge". At para masagot mo kung ano ang "knowledge" kailangang gamitan mo ng... knowledge. Ano ba ang nalalaman mo sa "knowledge"... mag-isip isip, isa dalawa tatlo... Saan mo kukuhanin ang sagot? Alin ba ang nagpoproseso para masagot ang tanong na ito? At ikalawa, paano mo sasagutin ang una?

Parang ganito. Hindi ko maaaring tanungin si PGMA kung ano ang tingin nya sa nakaupong presidente ng Pilipinas. It's begging the question.

Kaya tama ba na para malaman ko kung ano ang Pilosopiya ng Lasing, kailangang kumausap ako ng lasing? O maglasing ako?

Again, to level off, when I mean drunk, as in dead drunk. Oo, yung papatay ka na pero hindi mo pa alam. Yung nagsasabi ka na ng mga katotohanan na hindi mo masasabi kung rasyonal ka.

Next term, rationality. Bawat semestre sa kolehiyo, lumalabas ang terminong ito. In layman, rasyonal ka pag nangingibabaw ang tamang pag-iisip, desisyon, aksyon o husay higit sa anuman--hindi emosyon, hindi puso, hindi puson.

With these in mind, masasabi ba nating may pilosopiya ang lasing? Na ang lasing, pag nangusap, totoo lahat? Na ang tunay na kulay ng isang tao ay lumalabas kapag nalalasing?

Ibig bang sabihin non, pag hindi ako malasing, wala akong tunay na kulay?

Ano ba ang dapat inumin para malasing ng husto? Yun bang kaya kong sumigaw na hindi ko iniisip na makakaeskandalo ako. Na kaya kong humambalos ng dos por dos na hindi ko na iisiping baka wala siyang insurance? Na magagawa kong murahin lahat ng nandaya sa akin sa piko, teks, at shatong?

Lasing kasi siya nang tanungin nya ko. Kaso hindi ako lasing noon. Kaya ang sagot ko, "tanungin mo ko pag wala ka ng impluwesiya ng espiritu ng alak."

Kaso hindi na siya nagtanong ulit.

Natanong ko nga si Jaja 2. Ang sagot sa akin, "Tanga ka? E hindi na nga siya lasing!"

Futek talaga.

Love at First...

2008-02-14T22:37:00.000+08:00

I ask him via sms, for lack of nothing to do, if it was love at first sight. He readily answered, no.

"It was love at first talk," was his reply, with matching umlaut (uhm, the letter u with a pair of dots above it often called "smiley").

Love at first talk. Nice. My brother has a lot of sense, really.

Mischievously teasing sister that I am, I pushed asking him yet again on how long after realizing his feelings that he was able to confess his love.

Gamely, he replied, "Three years."

They went steady for six more years and got married, the product of which is a naughty-talky-witty Elai, now 4 years old.

And yesterday, we exchanged text messages again. My brother, Rhey, is in Zamboanga and was asking me if I know a flower shop that can deliver flowers for his one and only "Lav" on the 15th.

"On the 15th?!" I asked.

Haha! My brother said flowers are cheaper after Valentines.

And so, after a heavy meal at Bahay ni Lola (Pidoy's to many), the scouting for a nearby flower shop was en route.

The Royal Flower Shoppe was were I finally placed the delivery for Rhey's Lav. Then, there was the card. Hmm. I texted him and asked what to put there. Within minutes, he was able to compose his love message which I, in turn, carefully transcribed (adding more lines to even the space, hehehe).

By the way, the spring roses were delivered this morning, in time for Valentines, and he texted me his thanks.

Lav loved the flowers. =)

Room 221

2008-02-11T15:51:00.000+08:00

nagkakaroon lang ako ng pagkakataon ng mahaba-habang panoorin sa tv 'pag umuuwi ako ng bulacan ng weekends. doon, sarili ko ang remote ng dvd at tv. hehe. hindi naman sa selfish ako. may sarili naman kasing tv si ama sa kwarto at si inang naman, hindi mahilig manood, unless, bubble gang o mga gag shows ang palabas. o di ba, iba ang trip ng aking madir?

ang downside nga lang, hindi ako makarelate sa mga teleseryeng pinaguusapan sa opis. nung minsan, pinagkukwentuhan nila si kamandag. sabi ko, si richard gomez yun, di ba? ennnnggg. ang nasa isip ko pala, si tuklaw. haha!

dati din, halos araw-araw akong nagbabasa ng dyaryo. updated nga ako sa current events. pati sa mga current off-the-record events. pero ngayon, manakanakang balita na lang. mga snippets na lang ng headlines mula sa rss feeds ko sa inq7.net ang nababasa ko.

niweiz, noong sabado, nakinood ako ng tv at nakibasa ng dyaryo sa room 221 ng cardinal santos memorial medical center. libre kasi ang dyaryo dun at tv kung naka-check in ka. i mean, included sa bill.

napunta pala ako dun kasi may sakit si deen. naka-confine. pero that saturday, wala na siyang dextrose at di na rin naka-oxygen. actually, ang term ni atenggot, ginagawa na lang hotel ni deen ang cardinal. punta daw ako para masawata ko ang likot ng aking beybibeybihan. pero syempre, nakilaro lang ako. at nakitapdance kaming tatlo (ako, si deen at ang kuya ni deen na si yno) kay mumble. ipinalabas kasi ang happy feet sa cable habang nandoon ako sa room 221. tapos, nanood ng blue's clues sa laptop ang magkapatid kaya nagkaroon ako ng time na magbasa ng dyaryo.

at headline doon ang testimonya (and other nbn-related stories) ni lozada. matapos kong maghimutok, masuya, mafrustrate, manggalaiti at muli't muling mawalan ng tiwala sa kanilang dapat na pinagtitiwalaan ng bawat pilipino ay ibinalik ko ang tuon sa tv. nagsawa ako sa mga commercials (marami na palang bago, hehehe).

hanggang ginabi na ko. actually, nagpagabi talaga ako. hinintay ko kasi ang sine totoo sa gma 7. at lalu akong nagngitngit sa gobyerno. ifineature kasi ulit ang "batang kalakal" at "engkuwentro". parang binabalisong ang puso ko habang nanonood.

sino ba ang hindi? nagkakagulo sila sa kaituktukan dahil sa milyun-milyong komisyon at kontrata habang ang mga musmos e nagpipilit na kumita ng beinte pesos araw-araw at ang mga sundalo na kakarampot ang sweldo e nagbabakasakali sa kani-kanilang mga buhay.

naiinis ako. nayayamot. naiiyak. nawawalan ng pag-asa.

Ano daw?

2008-02-01T18:59:00.000+08:00

Gusto ko kasing i-update 'tong blog ko kaso sa dami ng gusto kong isulat, wala akong maumpisahan. Kaya tinanong ko ang sarili ko. Ano ba yung mga bagay na hindi ko makakalimutan? Kaso marami pa rin.

Kaya napunta ako sa mga unforgettable replies... Ito yung ilan sa mga naaalala ko. Read on.

Ako: Sorry, I'm late.
Usual: Sanay na kami.
Newsual: Pag nauna ka, mas nakakapagtaka.
Unforgettable: Ayan, may tatawa na sa jokes ko!

Ako: Una na ko senyo.
Usual: Bata ka pa!
Newsual: Sa min ka uuwi? Sabay na tayo!
Unforgettable: Are you sure?

Ako: Saan tayo kakain?
Usual: Sa plato.
Newsual: Kila Bading.
Unforgettable: Sa SM Cinema 10.

Ako: Anong masarap kainin?
Usual: Pagkain.
Newsual: Yung hindi iniinom.
Unforgettable: Gusto mo talagang malaman?

Ako: In love ako!
Usual: Na naman?
Newsual: Akala mo lang 'yon.
Unforgettable: Puso o utak?

Ako: Magquit na kong mag-smoke.
Usual: (ngising aso...)
Newsual: Kelan?
Unforgettable: A quitter never wins.

Ako: C'mon, let's eat ourselves!
Usual: (Nasanay na sila...) Tara, kain na raw!
Newsual: I'll eat mine.
Unforgettable: I'm full. Go ahead, eat yourself.

Nang Magberdey si Boss Mara

2008-01-05T21:08:00.000+08:00

Sa gitna ng kabisihan sa 8layer, siyempre kailangang ipagdiwang ang utak ng pagiging abala naming lahat.

Haberdey Sir Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!

Ang totoo, sa Sagada pa lang, ipinagdiwang na namin ang berdey ni big boss Meric Mara. Pero ang climax, sa new headquarters ng 8liens ipinagpatuloy. In so short a notice, pagdating ng alas otso ng gabi, inalis sa kamalayan ng mga 8liens ang anumang may kinalaman sa trabaho upang kumanta, sumayaw, tumawa at magpakuha ng litrato. Hehehe. Medyo walang ganong kuha ang berdey celebrant kasi sya rin ang photographer ng gabing 'yon. Hindi dahil sa kanya ang camera, pero kasi berdey niya. E sya lang naman ang may creative shot, baka pag kami ang humawak ng camera, either puro ulo o puro paa ang mangyari.

Bakit nga pala kami masaya? Dahil maraming pagkain? Pwede... pero ung handa ni Tatay (ahm, isa pang tawag namin kay Bossing) e un ung nakaugalian orderin pag may bisita o may berdey sa 8layer. Dahil may beer? Maaari... pero local beer lang naman un at kanya kanyang kuha sa palamigan. Dahil first time naming ma-utilize ang music room (na server room, library, sleeping quarters, etc.)? Siguro... pero sa palagay ko, kaya kami masaya, kasi masaya kaming maging masaya dahil masayang maging boss si Tatay Meric. Biruin mo, may bossing ka na iga-guide ka, ituturo ang lahat (este, yung maaarok lang pala ng padawan, hehehe) ng walang kapaguran (with matching slide presentation) at pag-iimbot. Nagpapaabuso nga si Tatay Meric e. Pero pag napuno ang salop, nangangalos din.

Kaya kaming mga 8liens, saludo kami kay Boss Mara na Tatay Meric pa. One of the most uniquest kind. (Walang akong paki maging redundancy. Hehe.)

Kaya kami masaya...

Agen, agen...

Haberdey Sir Meriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!

Sagada Survived 8lien Invasion

2008-01-05T12:31:00.000+08:00

26 December 2007

We we're supposed to leave for Sagada. It was planned as if no planning was needed. And so, we weren't able to leave as planned. There were clients left and right. And a new 8lien (to be announced) was given a verdict. Welcome welcome new 8lien! Your name may sound a bit vulgar but to us, you're a name to reckon with!

27 December 2007

We slept in the office the night before. And I woke up feeling battered. Who wouldn't? I guess Chox really hated me that he kicked me thrice when I's about to nudge myself to sleep. Haha.

The 8liens made the most of the morning moving things here and there. Oh, yes, I forgot. We just moved into a new office.

By the afternoon, Chox (anxious to meet his "baby") with Yvette went ahead to Baguio. Pangkal and Henyo (with their "babies"), eager to rendezvous followed hours later. Meric, Deng and Roz were doing a client call. Nilda and I were there. Just there. Haha.

28 December 2007

By 2:00 am, the five of us drove to Baguio. We arrived there past 7:00 am. By 9:00 am, we were at Dangwa Terminal boarding a bus to Bontoc.

The 7-hour Baguio-Bontoc bus ride was the longest one I had but i won't mind taking it forever. The view from inside looking out was a "cooling" experience.

The jeep ride from Bontoc to Sagada took 45 bumpy minutes.

When we finally arrived in Sagada, it was drizzling. The first inn we found (Ganduya Inn) can't accommodate the 12 and a half of us. The 2nd was the Sagada Guest House were we stayed for two nights.

Dinner was a delight. Deng cooked adobong pusit and chicken afritada. What happened after that, I didn't know, because as soon as I got stuffed, I was already halfway to bed... then snoring.

29 December 2007

The adventure began late in the morning. We walked our way to the Sumaging Cave. And it was a real blast! It would have been blastier if Chinkee and Ehriel were there to enjoy it, and not just waiting at the mouth of the cave. Hmmm.

Then off we went to the Sogong Cave where the Hanging Coffins were. Amazing!

Next stop, Yoghurt House. Good thing they're serving delights of gargantuan servings. One order is good for 2-3 persons. Tsarap! We enjoyed the food too much that we didn't know we didn't have enough time to venture away to Bomod-ok Falls.

So, we whiled away the time exploring the town, the Parish Church, the "place where it's most peaceful", and the Echo Valley.

Again, Deng cooked pancit for all of us for the nightcap. I didn't eat much as I was still full from the meal I ordered at YH.

Then, everyone huddled by watching the news. Until...

Until Yvette showed the group the one image that made everyone chill. The ghost bride!

30 December 2007

Meric and Deng left at 7:00 am. What's new, client meeting! But they were nice enough to let us stay and still enjoy what's left of our time in Sagada--to buy souvenirs!

The plan was to take the 1:00 pm bus to Baguio but it left earlier so the group has to take a jeep ride to Bontoc and from there, take the bus ride to Baguio.

Well, I may not know what transpired after the group left Sagada. Because I (and later joined by Roz) opted to stay for two more days... Yep, to experience a Sagada New Year. I hope the gongs can cast the bad spirits away from me. Haha.

Special thanks pala sa pinagnakawan ko ng mga pix -- kay Tatay Einstein at Pangk Einstein. Kung wala silang dalang camera, wala akong ibidinsya ng Sagad-Ah! =)

Pasko sa Walong Patong

2007-12-23T13:42:00.000+08:00

Una, salamat sa aming mga bossing, Meric at Deng, sa isang di makakalimutang salu-salo para ipagdiwang ang Pasko sa Walong Patong. Nakakaaliw, at nakakabaliw. Inumpisahan kasi ni Manong Cab Driver na feeling close na nakikipagkulitan habang tinatahak namin ang Edsa. Ang unang stop, sa Global Fun.

Medyo nabitin nga lang kami ng kaunti kasi hanggang 12mn lang pala sila noong Huwebes, e 1030p na kami nakarating. At dahil gustong sulitin, namputsa, una naming sinakyan 'yung Ranger! Susme, para akong nakasakay sa isang palakol na iwinawasiwas ng isang makulit na troll!

Free as a bird naman ang feeling ko sa giant swing. Kaso, hindi okey yung hangin. Para bang may hindi natapos na mwss project sa tapat. Hay, superb na sana...

Tapos, pumila sila sa Flipper. Doon, nag-pass ako. Nakikita ko pa lang na para silang mga hilong tea bag na iniikot ikot at iniitsa kaliwa't kanan, nahihilo na ko.

At matapos namin silang panooring hilo, overlooking the MOA compound sakay ng giant ferris wheel (na dapat pala nagdala kami ng kape't tinapay para nasulit ang sakay) naman ang naging next round.

Kakatuwa. Kakahilo. Kakabitin.

Kaya, sugod ang 8liens sa Pier 1. Pakabusog lang. Pakalango din.

Kasarap ng crispy pata dun. At after mabusog, (at mabitin sila sa SML), balik office kami. At hindi na sa 218, o sa 703. Officially, 503 & 501 na ang unit number ng office namin. At di na sa AIC (hmm, namimiss kaya kami ni Jonna? at ng mga guards, at ng mga cashiers sa 711?). Nasa Remco Tower na pala kami.

Amuy pintura (yung kulay orange) pa yung mga dingding kaya siguro na-high kami sa saya ng Christmas party namin. At heto ang mga ibidinsya.

Yep yep... we were a bunch of 8liens so enjoying the 21st-22nd day of December in an 8layeriffic way knowing full well that when it's party time, it's crazy party time. And when it's work time, party time is just around the corner. =)

A biggie toast to 2008!

Likas na Panggabi

2007-12-01T18:27:00.000+08:00

Ginagabi na naman ako. Bakit kasi naumpisahan ko pa tong Jericho. Malay ko ba na ke ganda nito. Umpisa pa nga lang, na hook na ko. Heto, third episode na. Pangatlong oras ko na ring hindi maumpisahan ‘tong gusto kong gawin. sabi ko kasi, habang nanonood, iuupdate ko tong manual ni POS. Pero nasa Jericho ang utak ko.

Hehe, heto, pang-fourth episode na pala. At hindi na ‘ko ginagabi. Mukang uumagahin na ko. Siyempre, hindi ko naman gusto na mabitin. Tsaka naubos ko na ata ang tulog ko. Pagkagaling ko kasi sa breakfast kanina (naglipat nga pala kami ng office buong gabi), plakda na ko. At alas-onse na ng gabi nang magising ako.

Actually, nagising naman ako ng mga 4pm kaso sa sobrang cramps, nakatulog ulit. At pagkagising ko nga, dahil tulog na sila lahat, isinalang ko nga tong Jericho.

At alas dos na pala ng umaga. Hindi pa rin ako inaantok. As if aantukin pa ko nito.

Ang Mga Hindi Dapat Iniisip

2007-11-28T15:30:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko raw dapat isipin na pangit ang araw ngayon. Sabagay, tama naman. Madali kasi akong maapektuhan ng at makaapekto sa mga taong nasa paligid ko kaya wala akong karapatang magpakita ng pagliligalig.

Pero sino ba naman ang mag-iisip ng maganda? Lumindol na nga, tapos bumabagyo pa. Maganda ba yun? Isabay ko pang hanggang ngayon e hindi man lang ako nakakagawa pa ng hakbang para mapalitan yung mga IDs at cards na laman ng nawala kong wallet. Tapos nagkwento pa si kuya manong na ayaw na niyang bumalik sa skul. Haay, buyay nga naman, parang parking lot. Kung kailan gusto mo ng space, tsaka ang hirap hanapin.

At kung kailan naman asang-asa ka na wala ka ng mapaglalagyan e tsaka pala maluwag. Pero nakakalungkot pa rin. Kasi wala pala yung mga akala mong magiging kasabayan sa arangkada. Nag-iba na sila ng parking space. Mas gusto nila dun sa free parking. O dun sa covered parking. O sa may valet parking. O sa No Parking.

Sabagay, baka ambisyosya lang ako. Wala naman kasing parking slot para sa akin kasi wala naman akong sasakyan.

Pero wag ka, dalawang beses na kong nahuhuli ng pulis sa loob ng dalawang buwan. Isang No Left turn at isang No U-turn violation. Pero dahil parehong malapit ng maghapunan nung mga oras na ‘yon, ke dali nilang kausap. Boink boink nga yung inaaruga kong moralidad. Kaso wala talaga akong lisensya. At di ko naman maisurender yung plaka ng kutsicar kasi hindi naman akin. Hayko!

Tapos sisingit pa sa utak ko na may nagpapatigil sa king magtrabaho. Hihi. Kasi gusto niyang magwork ako para sa kanya. Hehe. Para daw gumanda ang takbo ng buhay ko. Haha! Teka, ganun na ba ko kagulo? Huhu? O ganun kalaki ang tiwala niya sa akin? Hmm. Kawawa naman si Gugey kung ganon. Haha ulit!

Tapos may nagtanong sa kin kung paano malalaman ang kaibhan ng crush at love.

At nakatutok ako sa palabas na Kung Ako Ikaw na center of attention ang aking center of phobia. Inadobo pa nga e.

Susme. Naubos na naman ang gabi ko. Hindi pa rin ako inaantok.

Binuno ko pa naman ang bagyo para lang makauwi ng maaga. Namimiss ko na kasing katabi si Dolphyn. Naku, kelangan na rin nitong mapa-dry clean. Pati si Kerber.

Pati ako.

Dysphemism

2007-11-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged in a while. David and Sarah seem to be lounging off somewhere in the wintry part of my left brain. Even Lakeisha has been waylaid by my incessant need to put her story off (even when my fingers are itching to type her dialogues night after night).

It's not about not having time. I believe I have my own time machine to brag about. I can turn mornings into evenings and vice versa. In fact, it's not about time. It's subtle persuasion. I haven't listened to myself lately. Or rightly put, I am my own worst listener.

But when it's not me talking, they can rattle on and over, and I'd digest every syllable.

Nonetheless, it's funny how I can easily rewind a moment of utter nonsense discussion and just as effortlessly forget a critical request.

So what fails me? Or maybe, the monstrous unwanted question is, who?

Or there's no need to ask such a pedantic question. The only thing that's given is Me.

Yet again, I desperately want to rule out my last sentence. Self-abusive emotions have driven me to a point of not differentiating sympathy from empathy, listening from paying attention, thinking from focusing, planning from prioritizing.

And the answer to my failing question leads me back to long ago.

A friend hit it right in the node. In fact, she commented at it for all the blogger readers to see putting butter when I should be getting axle grease.

A bit optimistic for her, I should say. She just gave me my prognosis. It was so sound a proof that I can't find any error. In fact, I have an overdose of optimism myself sedating me to overlook what's staring right in my face. A high dosage of resiliency also obliterated the way people would have regard me.

If that's an edge, it's not working. But currently, it's my fallback.

Just the same that it's my rage. My fallacy. My despair.

kabuluhan

2007-11-04T14:23:00.000+08:00

isa ito sa mga napagmunihan ko sa piling ni makiling... para sa ibang pang wala lang, bisitahin lamang si walang malay.

huwag kang mag-alala
naiintindihan ko
kung buong puso mong
ipadama na ako’y
walang halaga

sa tuwina
sa pagtatama ng mga mata
naaaninag ko ang iyong
pangamba

kaya’t nauunawaan ko
kung bakit
gusto mong
umiwas
ngunit hindi ang
lumayo

makalimot
upang mapunan

masaktan
ng higit na makaramdam

upang patuloy kang
manabik
na ako’y
ipagtabuyan
upang ako’y
maipagsanggalang.

kaya’t
nakikiusap ako
huwag kang
magpaliwanag

sapat na sa aking
marinig
ang mga katagang
hindi mo
mabigkas.

That Thing Called Flattery

2007-11-02T06:30:00.000+08:00

He said it was supposed to be a compliment. But coming from someone without control of his full senses, how would I know if he really meant it?

This was the question posed by an overbearingly intoxicated human being whom I envied for quite a long time. She, of all people, bore now the suffering of being called "in love".

In fact, she said, it was an understatement. She called herself a stupid lunatic fool in hopeless romantic pursuit of unmitigated passion. Her feelings haunt her like the ghosts of the Christmas verb tenses. She has lost her willpower to overcome it. All futile, she added. She can't deny that it's happening. She can but accept that this is her curse. Her last resort to save her remaining vestige of sanity is to plead guilty.

And she withered in front of me as a child would when a favorite toy is taken away.

I stared vehemently at nothingness as I refilled my glasses hoping that I could at least empathize. Yet I, too, felt scared. Even repulsed at the thought of me feeling scared. I could tell her a hundred and one pages of my own madness left unstirred by restraint and logic.

She looked at me, almost imploringly. And in the midst of all her sobs, she smiled sympathetically at me. I didn't hear her at first and she had to ask again, "Your tears, are those for me or are you the same stupid lunatic fool?"

I couldn't admit it at first. I didn't know. All I feel was a tight knot engulfing every twinge of panic beats within me. And I tasted salt. I, too, was crying.

Basta Oo!

2007-10-31T20:30:00.000+08:00

Ang dali kong napa-oo samantalang dati, bago ako sumagot, kailangan walang nasasagasaan na trabaho o kahit personal committment.

Pero kanina, ewan ko ba, um-oo kagad ako. Siguro dahil ang tagal ko ng hindi nakakatanggap ng text o tawag mula sa kanya kaya isang aya lang, sama na! Walang gatol, walang pagdadalawang isip.

Ngayon ko tuloy naisip na baka bumulagta na ako sa pagod. Bukas kasi, este memya, kailangan kong tapusin yung manual para sa pos applix. Tas bili ako gift para kay Ditse kasi birthday niya ng a-uno. Magsisimula na rin kaming gumawa ng floral arrangements para sa Undas. Pero nakasagot ako na tatao sa Sizzlers buong araw bukas. Doon din kasi magpipickup ng bulaklak yung mga umorder sa min.

At sa Biyernes, matapos ang ilang taon, aakyat ako ulit ng bundok. Ang nakakatawa, yun nga, basta um-oo lang ako. Walang tanung-tanong kung saan at kung ga'no kataas yung aakyatin namin. Basta gusto ko lang. Siguro kasi wala ako sa sarili ko. Napagalitan kasi ako sa office. Dami ko kasing backlog. Puro umpisa, pero hindi ko pa natatapos. Masarap sana, ang daming bago. Pero ang dami ding kasing commercial sa trabaho. Kaya kanina, hayun, the invitation was a welcome deviation. Kahit pa isang milenyo na kong hindi man lang nag-eexercise, isa lang ang pumasok sa isip ko. Bagong lugar. Bagong kasama. Kahit man lang isang araw.

Haay! Buhay pa naman siguro ko pagdating ng Sabado kasi itutuloy namin yung napack-up na MTV shoot ng kasal ni bespren.

Susulitin ko na lang malamang ang pahinga sa Linggo.

At kung sakaling humihinga pa nga ako sa Lunes, kailangan ko ng isang epektibong strategy para magawa ko na ang mga gusto kong gawin sa buhay.

Hmm, sa bundok ko na lang mumuni-munihin kung pano. Mahabahabang akyatin din naman yon. Good luck na rin sa 'kin!

Ang Araw ng Eleksyon At Iba Pa

2007-10-30T14:22:00.000+08:00

Nakakaaliw. Ang dami kong nakahalubilo ngayong araw na 'to. Pakiramdam ko, isa akong hitchhiker--pumara, sumakay at nagbabay hanggang makarating sa huling destinasyon.

Barangay at SK elections ngayon. Nagamit ko na naman ang aking right to suffrage kahit tatlo't kalahati lang ang kakilala sa mga aspirante. Ayon sa aking last update sa COMOLLECT, isa't kalahati lang sa binoto ko ang pinalad (o minalas) na manalo.

Pagkatapos naming bumoto, kasabay na akong lumuwas ni Atenggot. Ibinaba nya ko sa Balintawak para doon naman sumakay ng taxi para sa aking next destination: Wedding MTV shoot ng aking bespren noong kolehiyo. Sa UP Lagoon kami nagshoot. Nakakamiss nga yung lugar kasi noong kapanahunan ko sa unibersidad, shortcut ko lang ang lagoon pag papunta ako ng gym mula AS. Haha! Masipag pa kasi akong maglakad noon.

After namin sa lagoon, dumiretso kami ng CHR para sa next location shoot. Kaso bumigay yung battery ng camera. Kaya pack-up muna. Sa Sabado, may call slip ulit ang mga bida.

Next stop, KFC Katips. Inilabas kasi ng bosing ko yung kanyang mga tsikiting. At dahil nasa vicinity naman, nakisawsaw na rin ako sa pagiging tsikiting. Sarap kayang kasama nung mga bata. Sila yung tipong mga bata na isip matanda. Feeling ko nga, nagmature ako ng tatlong porsyento habang nakikinig sa palitan nila ng kurukuro at alaskahan.

Matapos mabusog ng mga tsikiting, nagpunta kami ng Dangwa. Doon ko naman kasi imi-meet ang huli kong appointment for the day. Nakaugalian kasi namin for the past 4 years na tumanggap ng flower arrangements tuwing Undas. Kaya ako, kahit hindi na gaanong nag-aalok, may nakakaalala pa ring umorder sa kin.

Mahabang lakaran, siksikan at tawaran ang nangyari sa pasilyo ng Dos Castillas. Na natapos sa pagbababay namin sa harap ng Quiapo Church para naman sumakay ng jip pauwi.

At bago ko pa mabuksan ang pinto, isa pang kaulayaw ang nanghingi ng kuru-kuro sa selepono habang ang isa nama'y nagbanggit ng pagkalito.

Nakakaaliw ang araw ko. Sa sampung sakay-salin, limang beses akong nag-hello at nag-goodbye sa limang grupo ng tao. Sa loob ng wala pang dose oras, tatlong bagong mukha ang nakilala ko, anim na tsikiting ang nagpagunita na masarap ang buhay, pitong kaibigan ang muli kong nakahuntahan, at apat na matalik na kaibigan ang nagpaalala na kahit paano'y ako'y may halaga.

Hindi ko pa nabilang doon sina Ama at Inang, Ate at Ditse, Gugey at Janpot...

Hindi ko na rin binilang yung mga kababaryo kong nagkalat sa labas ng Mababang Paaralan ng Malibong Matanda na walang alam tanungin sa buhay ko kundi ang iniilagan kong mga katanungan--kung kailan daw ako mag-aasawa, kung may bf na ba ako, kung dalaga pa ba... Syempre, depende sa tanong ang sagot ko. Ang sabi ko, mag-aasawa ako pero pagkatapos na ng eleksyon, yung bf ko may gf na kaya hindi pwede, at futek, DALAGA AKO HINDI BINATA!

Buti na lang, all's well that ends well. Bukas, balik trabaho. Wala ng nakakaaliw na sakay-salin. Pero tiyak, marami ulit na makakahalubilo. Sa Walong Patong kasi, ang isang tao, katumbas tatlo.

Kung gusto mo lang naman...

2007-10-25T16:35:00.000+08:00

Naghahanap nga pala ang kumpanya namin ng mga kadaupang isip. Kung interesado ka o may naiisip kang magiging interesado, feel free to disseminate. Here's our advert:

You might have landed on this page accidentally, by mere curiosity, by sheer luck, or by pure incessant need to torture yourself because you want a job where the working environment defines and defies normalcy as caffeine-sustenance, night modes, deadliest deadlines, spontaneous sweats and effortless best.

But if you are willing to be a part of the 8layer Team, you must be:
(a) a fresh graduate or a tech novice starving for tangible and applicable learning/ training and wanting to make a difference not only to your own self but to others;

(b) an experienced IT guy or gal who is hungry for what's right and challenging, and again, spell a whole lot difference; or,

(c) an individual with high regard to doing things right and easy, and in these times that spells a great deal of difference.
You can still change your mind. Of course, there are lots of high paying jobs that let you do nothing but grow old and secure.

But if you are still reading along these lines, then you can still get fully rewarded and compensated while doing the more essential things--and feel young yet mature. You need to be in so you would understand what we mean.

So much for the buzz... We need YOU!

Tell us about how OPEN SOURCE opened your mind then fit your qualifications in any of these areas:
Marketing and Sales
Programming
Linux Solutions
Creatives and Design
Software and Hardware Support
Attach your resume (resumes are the last thing we read, but they're a good starting point) and email us at info@8layertech.com or call 706.05.01 to 02 for interview schedule.

Ang Paghihintay

2007-10-15T06:30:00.000+08:00

Sarap dito. Para akong may sariling mundo. Walang iniisip, walang kinakausap, walang pinakikinggan. Kailangang sulitin. Apat na oras ko lang tong malalasap. Malamig ang aircon, tapos bawat poste dito may outlet... at may lan (wala nga lang cable). Sige na nga, kaya siguro mahal ang matrikula dito kasi pwede kang magsaksak ng kahit anong gusto mong isaksak basta 220v. Mas sulit lalu na kung may wi-fi sana.

Anyway, buti na lang kanina, nagbago ang isip ko. Balak ko na talagang umuwi kasi ang dami kong bitbit. Pero naulinigan ko kasi na pwedeng maghintay doon sa Gate 2. So lakad ako sa Gate 2 bitbit ang laptop ko, backpack at paperbag ni Gugey (Gigay to all, Gugey to me).

Ayun nga pala. Kaya pala ko andito sa air conditioned study/waiting/lobby hall ng mga berdeng namamana kasi mageentrance exam si Gugey. Itatry daw nya kung makakalusot sya dito in case na hindi sya makalusot doon.

Kaya heto ako, ang mabait at maaasahang tita. Instant abay ngayong hapon. Buti nga pumayag si bespren atorni na next week na lang namin gawin yung mtv shoot para sa kasal nya, or else...else.

At kaya mas napasarap pa ang pagtambay ko dito kasi may bago akong kasama at kaulayaw. Ang saya! Hindi nakakasawa. Actually, siya pa rin yung dati, kaso ang laki ng nabago sa kanya. Kumbaga, yung panlabas niyang anyo, siya pa rin. Pero ang kaloob-looban nya, halos lahat nabago. Para ba siyang bagong labas sa retreat house. Same outside, but inside, he's free, open and significantly brighter. Nakakahawa yung lightness nya. Parang ang dali niyang kilalanin at kausapin. Siguro kasi lahat ng "fantastic" pinagsamasama na dito sa laptop ko. At Linux! Linux! Tapos nilalaro ko na yung Gimp. At terminal gamit ko sa restart (reboot) at shutdown (poweroff). Hehehe. Achievement! Yet, ang babaw pa nito.

Pero nakakatuwa. Para kong bata na matapos masugatan sa pakikipagagawan ng kendi at awayin ng mga kalaro eh uuwing may nakaabang na pasalubong na hulahoop. (Namimiss ko na kasing maghulahoop...)

So heto, 3 hours to go. Maghuhulahoop... este i-oorganize ko lang ang mga pinagbabackup kong files. Tas memya, try kong magsaksak ng DVD at tapusin ang season 1 ng Grey's Anatomy. Tas paglabas ni Gugey, try naming maghanap ng Full Season ng House.

Para kasing gusto kong magdoctor. Haha!

David's Sling 04

2007-10-02T16:22:00.000+08:00

I miss you most of all.

These words of David's echoed in my mind making my emotions more battered than ever. The sentence should have filled me to the brim, yet I felt hallow as ever.

I was still fighting back tears when an impatient horn blast from a car behind me drowned out the rest of self-pity. It put me back right where I am. Behind the wheel.

The light had changed. For the next few minutes I drove without sense of where I was really going. Feeling stupid again. Being David-stupid made me missed my turn. I pulled over the curb and just sat there with the motor running.

No, I can't do this. How in the world would I sit there and watch while David asks Janice to be his wife?

For sure, my jaw and cheeks would ache from all the pretense of smiling and laughing. The real ache then would come when Janice accepts David's proposal. And that, that would be monumental pain.

No, I can't do this!

Dizzyingly, I fished my cellphone from my handbag and dialled David's number.

He answered it in no time. There was smile in his voice. It became tinged with regret when he heard I couldn't stand witness to his "special moment" with Janice.

"So your boss is squeezing every last minute's worth of your time tonight before he takes a week leave..." was David's summation of my alibi.

"Yeah, he is," I replied.

My thoughts wandered at the neatly piled files on my table and list of to-do's which my boss had dictated earlier that afternoon. He could have been happily packing for all I know.

"You know what?" David suddenly brightened up. "You deserve a vacation, too. You've been working too hard."

"Since you mentioned that, I guess I'll have one."

"And where would you want to go?"

David's question tickled my fancy which abruptly evaporated when David blurted, "There's someone at the door. Janice is here! I should go. You take care, Sarah. Bye!"

And there, behind the wheel, I uttered my answer to David's question.

As long as there is sun...

Slowly, I felt hot tears trickled down my face.

As long as there is sun.

NBN, Breaklunch, Proposals, etc.

2007-09-27T14:45:00.000+08:00

I have a weakness for government issues. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because my penchant lies on hard-to-imagine things like the wonders of the universe. Haha!

I remember, a few weeks after my birthday (my birthday wish then was to be abreast with what's happening around me! now you know! that's why I can't tell, it sounds so uncool, right?), I read about PGMA's visit to give a keynote speech in a conference in China.

My "Wow, that's our President!" was later replaced by "Oh, no! That's our President..." when the newswriter in passing mentioned that PGMA secured almost a billion dollar contract for a broadband network... Hey, that was sometime April, just right before the elections!

And now, that contract has reached inquisition at the Senate. I heard it this afternoon on TV (heard because our Ch4 reception is so bad, we have to put faces on the voices ourselves). While ear-watching the senate inquiry, Ateng was taking notes, typing a letter, browsing the net and smsing someone and I, so busy too devouring my breaklunch (woke up late again!).

Suddenly, it occured to me... Just yesterday, we had a staff meeting. One of the bosses mapped how to go about a project. From the initial proposal to closing it to providing support.

The NBN contract... I wonder...

How did they do it? Who presented what? What is offered to whom? What IS the OFFER?

And why invoke the executive privilege?

Can't help but think how gargantuan the difference of the government process to our humble 8layer's.

My sanity left me just a while back. I'm doing a proposal, and it's for a branch of government.

The last time that we engaged in a bid, we were "turned down".

And here we are again, taking chances, hoping that somehow, this time, they can see the right difference.

Those I Missed No Longer

2007-09-23T03:43:00.000+08:00

As soon as I stepped out of my friend's car, I had no iota how happy I was. The rain had just stopped but there were drizzles still. I didn't mind.

The night was dark, the path was muddy.

I stepped in a puddle, and still, I walked on not minding that the edges of my favorite pair of pants were clingingly wet and slimy on my ankles.

I guess I was smiling when Jecjec and Jocjoc growled, which became excited barks as I came nearer our front door.

I am Home!

An hour before, I was on a bus which I spent looking out the window, unconsciously mindful of the giant billboards along Edsa and NLEX. These, I thought, causes visual pollution. But I was too busy whiling the time to even bring that out to my companion. Then, she asked why I seemed so far away. Without a blink, I recited the advertisement on the streamer that we passed by. Then, she slept on.

A text message nudged me out of reverie. It was from one of my Kuyas. He said he'd wait on us, anyway, he was also waiting for his wife. So we hitched our way to hometown.

It was a lively ride where, in the middle of it, I also received a call from my brother. He told me that "XXX" was featuring the modus operandi that victimized me a few months back. Well the story was, I parked my sister's car along Aurora corner Gilmore and when I got back, the rear window was in smithereens, and my laptop, gone.

Anyway, the trip back home abound of what has been happening since my troop of friends decided to put up the small resto. Tomorrow, I mean, today, at 6am, we're officially in business!

Oh how I missed my friends! But I have to wait till this morning to see them and the place. They've sweated so much to put it up--from planning to finally having the "house blessing" just that afternoon. My meager contribution was naming our business, V5 Sizzlers and Stuffs. Aside from laying out an initial plan of SOS, SOSME and SOSYAL business phasing.

Putting up the resto is a risky big leap considering that our town is a sleeping town where almost everybody is dead to the world by 10pm--except us, I think, who spends until way past midnight when we're together--dvd time, mahjong, videoke, food trips...

But then, the resto is just the start of things to come. No need for "wait and see". It's not me. I hate long waits. I tend to lose patience. Maybe that's why I rather live in the present.

And presently, I'm home. A while back, I couldn't contain how moved I was when my mom's first greeting was, "Are you hungry? Dinner's waiting." Her smile was contagious. It always is. Hers is one of the smiles that infects me no matter what mood I'm in.

My dad's first words totally blew me out: "Let me take a look at my favorite daughter and see if she's changed." The next thing I knew, I was faking a model's pose. Dad was laughing, and mom, shaking her head in giggles.

And I knew then why I didn't mind the drizzles, the puddle, the muddy stains--

I am finally home, sweetly home.

Mga Hindi Ko Alam

2007-09-20T16:21:00.000+08:00

Pahinga muna. Blog muna. May refresher readings kasi ako na may kaugnayan sa batas pero hindi naman tungkol sa batas. Refresher kasi naalala ko noong nag-"OJT" ako kay Manong Alcala sa korte kung saan dinidinig ang mga kaso ng mga opisyal ng gobyerno.

Kaya buzzstop muna. Napaisip. Nadaanan ko na kasi yung proseso na dapat e bubutingtingin ko para mabasa ng madalian ng mga 8liens. So pakiramdam ko, madali ko lang makukuha ang gist. Pero magkaibang area kasi ang NOON at NGAYON. Ang akala ko na alam ko, hindi ko pa pala gaanong alam. Ang daming bago. Napayosi tuloy ako... at nakapagtimpla ng matapang na kape.

At heto, natanong ko na naman ang pinakamadalas kong kausap, si ako. Ano pa ba ang HINDI KO ALAM? Gusto kong masagot to siyempre connected kasi sa paghahabol kong maging Einstein at hindi Engengstein ng Walong Patong.

Yun.

Sagot ng kausap ko, tatlong bagay lang.

Una. At marami ako nito, hindi ko alam 'yung mga hindi naituro sa akin. Ito 'yung mga bagay na hindi ko nahagilap sa loob ng classroom since kindergarten. O simula't sapul, hindi ko natutunan. Halimbawa, magsalita ng Indian, magpiloto, magLinux, magviolin...

Ikalawa, eto, madalas ko tong gamitin... na sasabihin kong hindi ko alam pero ang totoo, wala kasi doon ang hilig o interes, o talagang may kabobohan lang, pero kahit paano, may alam ng kaunti pero sasabihin ko pa ring "hindi ko alam" para wala ng pilitan. Halimbawa, manahi, magtipid, magsalita sa harap ng maraming tao, magsalita sa kahit hindi maraming tao, magsales talk.

Ikatlo, at ito ang nakakatakot. Ito yung mga bagay na dapat ay alam ko, pero hindi pala. Mga tamang kalimot, kamalian, maling akala.
Iniiyakan ko to dati. Ehrmm, hanggang ngayon naman. Halimbawa? Naku, aaminin ko mga katangahan ko? Gowdnis! Noo!

But on second thought, hmm. Halimbawa, kanina... Ang alam ko, ang alam ko talaga, naibalik ko sa "japot" profile yung setting ng cellphone ko. Meaning, hindi siya naka-silent. Pero nagkamali ako. Mali ang alam ko. Naka-silent pala siya. Kaya naman nang magtext ang mga bosing ko, late ko na nabasa. Dalawang errand tuloy ang hindi ko nasunod.

Tapos, heto nga, nagbabasa ako ng may kaugnayan sa batas pero hindi tungkol sa batas. Sabi ko, alam ko na to. Pero kulang. So hindi ko pa talaga alam.

Kaya kailangan ng masinsinang pagintindi. Marubrob na pagunawa.

Pero kailangan ko naman ito sa lahat ng bagay.

Para maintindihan at maunawaan din ako.

Doon sa Walong Patong

2007-09-14T06:57:00.000+08:00

Sa Walong Patong, doon 'yung opisina kung saan ako naging malaya--malayang makinig at pakinggan, magsalita at pagalitan, umamoy ng utot at sabihing ambantot, tumawa, magpatawa, umiyak, magpaiyak, kumanta, kumendeng, maghintay, hintayin, malasing, magsuka, mangutang, magpautang, ilibre, manlibre, at peborit, magsulat. Ikaw ba naman ang swelduhan habang ginagawa mo ang gusto mong gawin sa buhay?

Malaking change nga lang para sa 'kin. Kasi nahaluan ng teknikal. Masayang-malungkot. Masaya kasi bagong tuklas. Malungkot kasi nababagalan ako. Yung mga kasama ko kasi sa Walong Patong, pumupulandit ang kadalubhasaan. Mga abnormal ata. Ke bibilis! Parang lahat sila, may lakad. Pakiramdam ko, tipong mga emeritus na sila, ako, waitlisted pa rin sa kolehiyo. Mga batikan kasi--di naman mga dalmatians. Ewan ko ba. Siguro dahil ninuno nila si Einstein...

Si Grand Weinstein.

Sabi ko:
Engrande talaga ang taong to. Kahit kulang ng isang tiklado (di ko lang alam kung nawala o namisplace) kumpleto pa rin ang escala. Kahit missing in action yung isang key, nasa tono pa rin. Ke husay pa rin ng lumalabas na tunog basta tumugtog na si Grand Weinstein--name it, keyboard ng piano o kahit keyboard ng kompyuter. Sa sobrang bait nga lang, pinamigay niya sa isang pasahero ng fx yung keyboard niya. Ngayon, naghahanap siya ng mabait ring magbibigay ng kapalit nung pinamigay niyang keyboard.

Sabi niya:
Isa akong tigre. Trainer ko si Liz.

Si Pangk Einstein.

Sabi ko:
Itong isang to, malufet. Ka-wonder-twin power ata to ni Catwoman. Nine lives. Understudy din sya ni Wolverine. Ala eh, may self-healing powers. Di kaya alien discovery ni Sitchin? Malamang! Hindi normal ang katauhan nito e. Kasi kung naging programming language ang e=mc2, tiyak sisiw lang to sa kanya. Baka nga i-rap pa niya 'yung mga codes, kahit nakapikit. Partida, nahihilo pa yan! Kaso matigas talaga ang ulo. Wala kasing kinikilalang trainer. Ay, meron pala. Si Wittdengstein.

Sabi niya:
Basta huwag lang Math!

Si Wittdengstein.

Sabi ko:
Maluluma ang mga bago dito. At babaguhin niya ang mga luma. Kahit kasi saan mo ilagay, di ka mapapalagay. Siya yung tipong taong lalabasan ka sa pakikipagtalastasan. Dual personality to. Siya lang ang introverted na extrovert. Nagmellow na pala siya. Dati kasi, kahit mellow na, di mo pa rin ma-touch. Pero ngayon, mellow o hindi, tumatawa na. Halakhak pa nga! May kasama pang gimme five! Tapos tsaka ka niya papatulugin sa mala-adarnang lalalala. Ibang klase.

Sabi niya:
It's my fault! ... Why? Bakit?

Si Tatay Einstein.

Sabi ko:
Sa kanya nagmana si Pangk Einstein. Lulugo lugo na, pula pang mata, di na makaamoy ng utot, di na makagulapay, naku, kaulayaw pa rin si laftaf. At magpoprogram pa. At magtetraining pa. At magtotroubleshoot pa. At magboblog pa. Kakaiba sa lahat ng mga kakaibang nilalang! Pero pag nasa 100 porsyento ng kanyang lakas, imaginin mo na lang ang kaya niyang gawin! Kaya ko ngang itaya yosi ko na kaya niyang pagsabaying magbaketsbol at maglinux ng sabay. Kahit may hawak pang beer.

Sabi niya:
Bawal magkasakit! Linux. Linux!

Kaya nga minsan, natatanong ko na lang ang sarili ko. Nasaan na ang mga normal na tao? Tiyak di isa dun si Clarenstein. Abnormal sa busog yun e. Si Nildenstein, naku, magnonormalize lang 'yung pag hinainan ng kanin. Susme, e ilang minuto lang, ubos 'yon. Hindi rin si Rositenstein, sigurado. Sa kamay at dighay pa lang, tukoy na! Lalong hindi si Henyo. Futek, e pangalan pa nga lang, magpupruweba pa ba?

Kaya nga di ko talaga masagot...nasaan ang mga normal na tao? Tapos sasagot si Jaja 2 at Jaja 3. Sabay. In unison. Together. For sure, wala sa Walong Patong.

Shemas, wala pala kong kakampi. Ako na lang pala ang balanse.

Olive Oil o Spinach?

2007-09-12T14:59:00.000+08:00

Pasado alas-kwatro na ko nakarating ng office kanina.

Hindi naman alibi na puyat at may hangover ako. 'Yung mga bossing ko nga, tiyak mas pagod pa sa kin. Actually, lahat naman kami inumaga na paguwi. Ang saya at ang kulet kasi ng gig ng DeKada sa 70s Bistro.

Pero napasarap din kasi ako ng tulog sa aking hideout. Salamat na rin sa makapangyarihang boses na nagtaboy sa kin. Kahit nagpipilit ang three little indians na ampunin ako sa mahiwaga nilang lungga, nangibabaw pa rin 'yung "umuwi ka na lang". E di uwi. Tulog. Napahaba nga. Nakumpleto ko 'yung 8 hours. Siguro aabot 'yun ng half-day kung walang gumising ng iyak sa akin sa phone. Ramdam ko pa nga pati brssst nya.

Ang bilis talaga ng sagot ni Lord! Three weeks ago kasi, buong linggo akong naging spongebabe. Araw-araw, iba-ibang luha ang pinagpilitan kong patahanin. The week that followed, every other day naman. Last Friday, nakapagtanong tuloy ako, "Lord, bakit wala akong kliyente? Okay na ba sila? Wala na bang kong tear ducts na lilinisin? Magaan kasi ako pag may napapagaan akong iba."

Selfish reasons. Sabi nga ni Ayn Rand, selfishness is a virtue. Wataymin is, I tend to advise them what "I" want to hear.

Kaya nga ito ang summation ng payo ko kay caller number 2 ng magkita kami sa esem:

Baka naman pinapagod mo lang si Popeye? Your choice, be Olive Oil but don't expect him to always be there when you need help. Or be his Spinach, his source of strength and inspiration.

Yun lang, ang tanong niya, "Sino, ba mas gusto ni Popeye, si Olive Oil o ang Spinach?"

Nag-hang ako. Pero sigurado, hindi si Brutus.

Niwey, sabi ko sa kanya, "You're making your own reasons for crying."

Totoo naman. Ito kasing kaibigan ko, nagdevise siya ng way para daw malaman niya kung talagang mahal siya ng kanyang sinta. Gaga talaga. Kung kelan may date na ang kasal!

Kung ano man 'yung nangyari, hindi ko na sasabihin. Basta nagbigay lang ako ng rejoinder. Para sa akin kasi, una pa lang, mali na 'yung ginawa nya. Hindi naman kasi microchip ang puso na kailangang pumasa sa sangkatutak na QC para malaman kung papasa ba sa sanglibong standards.

Simple lang. Kung gagawin ni Olive Oil na career ang pagsigaw ng "Help!" at maging batayan yon kung siya pa rin ang lavadoo ni Popeye, pwede naman.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing kayanin lahat ang problema, o wag magtitiwala sa mga pulis at bumbero.

Ang sa kin lang, pano kung sabay silang sumisigaw ng "help"?

Scenario lang naman 'yung binigay ko. Kung papanong magiging makatotohanan 'yon, siya ng bahala.

Sabi ko nga, mas mainam kung siya si Olive Oil na maghahain kay Popeye ng Spinach. At para effortless, dapat may baon siya laging can opener.

Siyempre, napaisip din ako. Pano na lang si Brutus?

Pano nga?

Lighthouse

2007-09-08T10:23:00.000+08:00

May nagtanong sa 'kin dati kung takot daw ba akong mamatay. Ang yabang pa ng sagot ko. Matter of factly. Sabi ko, hindi.

Pakiramdam ko nga, nasa beauty pageant ako nung tanungin nya. Iyon kasi 'yung mga tanong na kung iiskoran ng mga hurado ang sagot ko e makakatanggap ng 98.88%. Kumbaga, sa swimsuit competition na lang ako manganganib. Pero pwede pa namang makaalpas dun. Idedeclare ko lang na sa kultong kinasasalihan ko, bawal magpakita ng kuyukot ang mga babae sa publiko.

Napaisip tuloy ako noon. Naghalukay ng mga sitwasyon na tipong nag-life or death ako.

Noong bata pa ako, napagtripan kong maglaro sa ibabaw ng lamesang kinukumpuni ng anluwagin namin. Tapos binaliktad niya 'yung lamesa. Hayun, kasama akong tumaob. Nagkamalay ako noon, nakasakay na ako sa kotse at ginigising ako ng aking madir. Huwag daw akong matutulog. Kaso lumulutang ang pakiramdam ko noon. Nagising ako, may IV na ko sa braso.

Hindi ko na matandaan kung gaano ako katagal noon sa ospital. Ang pumagkit sa isip ko, nang malaman kong ididischarge na ko, nagmukmok ako sa may hagdan ng ospital. Ayoko pa kasing umuwi.

Noon namang nag-ermitanya (nagbuhay independent ika nga) ako for almost four months, dalawang scenario ng life or death ang naaalala ko. Nanonood ako noon ng vcd nang lumindol. Hindi naman ako natakot. Ang naisip ko pa nga, yupi tiyak ako dahil limang palapag yon, e nasa ground floor ako. Naririnig ko, may nagtatakbuhan na sa labas. Gusto ko nga silang sigawan na, "Hoy, magsibalik kayo sa mga lungga niyo! Magtago sa ilalim ng mesa! Kung hindi kayo mamamatay sa stampede, sa mga nagbabagsakang kawad ng meralco kayo matetepok!"

Ang kalmante ko pa noon. Ni hindi nga ako nagtago sa ilalim ng mesa. Ni-rewind ko pa nga 'yung vcd. Tapos nainis ako kasi ilang minuto lang, nawalan na ng kuryente.

Tapos minsan naman, sumumpong 'yung ulcer ko. Nagpass-out ako sa sobrang sakit. Nang magkamalay ako, ang pumasok naman sa isip ko, kung sakaling matutuluyan ako, walang makakaalam na nagpaalam na pala ako sa mundo. Ayun, binuksan ko 'yung mga bintana. Para kako kung sakali man, may makaamoy man lang sa 'kin.

'Yung latest, noong makipagsabayan kaming lumangoy sa mga Butanding sa Sorsogon. Pangatlong dive na namin noon pero walang thrill. Yung nakakajam kasi naming Butanding, pulos mga nahihiya. Sabi ko sa guide, "Kuya, puro buntot naman ang nakikita namin e!" Ayun, nang sumunod na senyas ni Kuya Guide, pagdive ko, face to face kami ni Butanding! At nakanganga pa siya! As in mouth open wide! Akala niya siguro, isa akong plankton.

Pakiramdam ko noon, lalamunin ako ng black hole na korteng spheroid. Nablangko ako noon. Nakalimutan kong huminga. Di ko nga rin naikawag yung flippers ko. Na-amaze ako. I was one with nature. At ang unang pumasok sa utak ko, "Putek, ang laking gilagid!"

Kung ilang metro ang layo ko sa Butanding, hindi ko alam. Mahina ako sa kalkulasyon. Basta hindi ko naman siya nasagi nang sabayan ko siyang lumangoy. Ang sarap! Kitang kita ko yung mga white spots pati yung mga maliliit na isda na nakikiangkas sa kanya.

Paglutang ko sa tubig, ngawit na ngawit ako. Ang layo na nga nung bangka namin. Pero nakangiti pa rin. It was an experience I consider near-death. Ipinadama sa akin ni Butanding.

I was numb. Then, I swam. And now, heto, nagpipilit pa ring lumutang sa mundo. Pagod, pero tuloy pa rin. Hindi pa kasi ako dumadaong. Umaasa pa rin, na sana, may makita na kong lighthouse. Bago ako magcollapse.

Dear Ateng

2007-09-07T20:56:00.000+08:00

Dear Ateng,

Naalala mo nung nag-ym tayo tapos nakikipag-appointment ako para makahingi ng legal advice? Umoo ka nga agad. Hindi ka nga nagtanong kung tungkol saan o kung bakit o kung sino... Ganyan ka kasi, basta kapamilya, kapuso na rin. Yun lang, sobrang saya ng pinili mong oras at araw. Breakfast sa Figaro, sa Baywalk! Tama ba yun? Alam mo bang ganung oras pa lang ako pauwi non?!

Pero siyempre, go na rin. Tapos, pagdating don, nabadtrip ka pa nga kasi wala na pala yung mga kiosks at stalls sa baywalk. Remember, na-on-the-spot interview ka pa tungkol sa sentimyento mo sa pagdedemolish sa mga establishments na nakapagbigay ng trabaho, tambayan at pasyalan sa marami?

Teka, hindi tungkol sa bagong kaso o sa plight ng baywalk ang sulat ko. May magandang balita ako!

Kasi di ba, tinanong kita kung paano ako makakabayad sa walang pag-iimbot mong pagbibigay ng iyong kaalaman sa batas?

Dalawa yung sinabi mo di ba? Parehong payment in kind: Tickets at Rackets.

Ayan, makakabayad na ko! Ihanda mo na 'yung brochure at dadalin ko sa Lunes. Bibili na raw ng pangpaseksing undergarments si Girl Bawang. Pangdagdag sa racket mo.

And most marvelously, TICKETS!

Sa September 10, sa 70's Bistro, may libre kang ticket para mapanood mo ulit ang De Kada. Oo, sasabihin kong ihuli nila 'yung Hele para makatulog ka ng mahimbing habang nakikipag-race sa EDSA si Kuyang.

Tinanong mo rin ako kung kakanta si Choks? Hmm, di ako sigurado e. Pero sa pagkakakilala ko dun, game naman yun. Tipong pumito ka lang at isigaw ng malakas ang pangalan ni Choks, magnanakaw na yun ng mic at mic stand. Sana lang, magdala siya ng music sheet. Nakakahiya naman kung didiktahan pa siya ni Deng ng lyrics, di ba?

So, pano, sa Lunes... At long last, magkakasama tayo ng matagal tagal.

Bakit kasi hindi tayo magtagpo sa bahay... pareho naman tayo ng tinitiran.

Nagmamahal,
Japot

Gusto mo ng ayaw ko?

2007-08-27T01:51:00.000+08:00

Sa lahat ng ayoko, ang una sa listahan ko e 'yung binibitin ako. Kaya nga hindi ako nanonood ng mga palabas na may prefix na "tele". Hindi ko kayang maghintay ng 24 hours para lang malaman kung tatahol ba si Pulgoso kinabukasan. Lalong hindi ko kayang palipasin ang Sabado't Linggo para lang mapanood ang kasunod ng nabitin na Friday episode.

Ayoko rin ng tsismis kasi para sa akin, bitin naman 'yon sa katotohanan. Ubos oras naman kung beberipikahin ko pa kung talagang mafia si Bektas at battered wife si Ruffa. Although marami na kong source na talagang materialistic si Anabelle Rama. But then, anong mapapala ko kung alamin ko ang buhay nila? Hindi din naman ako papatulan ni Richard Gutierrez.

Hindi ko rin kaya ang makipagtextmate. Ayoko kasi ng nabibitin ako sa pagkikilanlan. Na hindi ko alam kung nagsasabi ba ng katotohanan si textmate pag sinabi niyang isa siyang arkitekto, doktor, pari, tambay. Although dati, noong hindi pa uso ang cellphone at internet, naaliw ako sa pakikipagpenpal. Nag-iipon kasi ako ng stamps, kasabay ng pangongolekta ko ng mga carebear stickers.

Kaya nga gusto kong tapusin 'yung David's Sling at Scrooge Series kasi naniniwala ako sa Golden Rule. Kung ano ang ayaw kong maramdaman, hindi dapat ako maging tulay para maramdaman pa iyon ng iba.

Alam ko, nakakabitin ang kwento ni David at Sarah. At kung kailan nga ba unang umiyak si Lakeisha. Pero bitin din kasi ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas sa mga panahong ito.

Kaya ito na lang ang aking pambawi. Kung gusto nyong malaman kung "Bakit Walang Makaimbento ng Time Machine", mag-email lamang sa jaja.dr@gmail.com, magrequest at viola! may libreng kwentong tapusan na kayo! Masyado kasing mahaba kung ipo-post ko pa dito kaya nilagay ko muna sa aking online docs repository.

Isang warning lang, ang "Bakit..." ang kauna-unahang rejection ko sa pagsusulat. Isinubmit ko 'to sa Precious Hearts Romances at sinabi sa 'kin ng editor:

Hindi ganito ang mga klase ng kwentong ipina-publish namin. Bakit hindi mo i-try sa UP Press?

Ewan ko ba. Hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako (kasi sayang din ang P7,000.00) o mapa-flatter (UP Press? Futek, first try ko, UP Press?).

Pero hindi ko na pinagpilitan ang "Bakit..."

Bakit? Kibitbalikat na lang ako. Tinamad na yata akong maglakad noon. Kaya ngayon, ipapabasa ko na lang ng libre sa kung sino man ang gustong magbisibisihan o kung sino man ang may oras at gustong magbasa ng mahabahabang kwento.

David's Sling 03

2007-08-23T15:13:00.000+08:00

"What's your schedule tomorrow?" he asked without even looking up from the newspaper he's reading.

"Nothing specific. Why?" I asked too.

David then put the paper down and with a mischievous smile on his lips said, "Janice is coming over for dinner. I'm cooking."

I stared at David long and hard. I let out a deep breath. "That's my cue. All right, I'll spend the night over at wherever. I hope you'll have a great time with her."

"No! I want you to be here for dinner, too. So you'll meet Janice. Come home early."

"David, I know Janice back and bones. I can even write a book of your love story. Of how Janice opened your eyes and made you commune and appreciate nature. And from the pictures you've been showing me, I can also point her out from a crowd if ever I saw just her head."

"But I'll be cooking again!" David half shouted the last word.

"And I'm happy for you," I said. To my surprise, I was sincere saying it.

McDonald's became my best buddy, and Starbucks my wish grantor for almost 6 months because David hasn't been cooking since he and Emilie parted ways. He also became a private property of his room. And tonight, the backpack-sporting adventure-seeking cave-and-mountain-exploring lean and tan Janice had brought back David's flavors and spices.

"I'll try to change my mind. Thanks for the invite anyway."

"I need you to be there, Sarah. I miss the way you criticize my dish after your third serving."

A slow smile spread across David's eager face and I was mesmerized all over again. And the "zing!" was back. I could feel a sweet tingling down my spine as he earnestly said, "I miss you most of all."

Elephant Mode

2007-08-22T11:28:00.000+08:00

Sa kaharian ng mga hayop, ang mga elepante daw ang may pinaka-evident expression ng emotions.

At elephant mode ako ngayon. Lahat ng puntahan kong lugar, ewan ko ba, pero pakiramdam ko, tinetest ako kung barado na ba talaga ang aking tearducts at level ng aking sigh functions.

Naalala ko si Buccikoy. Siya 'yung kinokonsider kong counterpart ni Ty Pennington pagdating sa fashion at beauty tips. Wataymin is, ilang beses din akong sinabihan ni Bucci na imemakeover nya ko. Napapayag naman ako minsan. Nagpalagay ako ng eyeshadow. Kataling pusod naman ni Bucci si Ces, na gusto din akong hubaran para madamitan ng mas kaigaigaya sa paningin ng nakararami.

Siyempre, optimist si Jaja 1. Barbie doll ako! Bibihisan at kukulayan upang maging mas kaakit-akit!

Pero masarap ding alalahanin yung mga taong hindi nakikita ang mga nakaalsang ugat sa kamay ko dahil enjoy silang kumanta sa trying hard kong pagtipa ng gitara. O balewala 'yung clumsiness at corniness ko kasi mas napapansin nila yung kaya kong gawin na hindi nila kayang gawin--kumanta ng Alphabet Song ng pabaliktad.

Naalala ko rin si Laila, Enteng, Elbert, Macoy, Lentot at Cj na pakiramdam ko e magiging klasmeyts ko sa LCP. Sila 'yung mga dati at minsanan kong ka-jam kay Winston sa Marlboro Country.

Again, positibo si Jaja 2. Kung mag-papausok ka rin lang, sabayan mo na ng dasal. Kung papaitaas ang smoke, ibig sabihin, pinakikinggan ka.

Pero nandiyan din yung mga taong hinahayaan ako sa tanging bisyo ko, pero alam kong concerned sila na baka magmukang incinerator ang baga ko.

Titigil din naman ako e. Naghahanap lang ako ng kasabay. Di ba, it takes two to tango? Akala ko nga si Enteng at Elbert yun e. Haha!

Dagdag din sa alaala ko ngayon sina Anne, Jovil at Manong na kasamahan kong nagnanakaw ng alatires pagkatapos ng shift naming maging callboys at callgirls. Tapos, magpapalipas kami ng utot sa McDo dahil sa pagsu-sundae ng alas singko o alas nueve ng umaga.

As usual, di pessimist si Jaja 3. At least, paguwi, dahil pagod at busog, straight na ang tulog at wala ng time para kamuhian 'yung mga sinisingil naming mga merkano.

But then, nakakamiss din yung mga taong kahit hindi ko gaanong nakakausap o nakakatext e alam kong sinsero pag nagtanong kung kumusta na ba ako. Kung busy ba ang araw ko. Kung masaya ba ko o malungkot. Kung kelan ako huling nagpunta ng Manila Zoo.

Marami pa silang nasa balakubak ng utak ko ngayon. Sina Cucay, Mia, Jez, Gracie. Sina Teindz, Edong, Epro, Glennfiddich. Tas sina Tay Ruben, Kuya Gary, Ems, Boom, Lola, Mash, Ryan. Sina Liz, Lara, Benchz, Charm, Rache, Ayen, Owen.

Elephant mode ako ngayon. Pasensya na. Senti.

David's Sling 02

2007-08-11T04:53:00.000+08:00

"What's new?" I asked without a trace of wonder.

I could have said, "C'mon, David. You and Emilie had had more than just a few petty quarrels. A ledger won't be enough for the time when Emilie cursed you for being "baduy" and I could make a list for the hours I spent wheedling that you look "a-ok".

"So, what's new?" I asked again.

David just stood there. An empty gaze towards the image of an embattled butterfly (although it looks more of a cocoon to me) sent me to a wistful sigh. Yes, David, stare at it. That's the very epitome of your darling Emilie. Sickening.

"She walked out on me when I told her I want to marry her."

And it was my turn to give the frame a look. It reminded me of Emilie. Complicatedly puzzling. But at that instant, I thank her. She saved David from a world that he is not ready to be a part of.

And I stared at David staring at the complicated painting of the buttercocoon.

"So, you're free."

Three words. I could have said it simply in two... "Thank God!" but I kept my mouth shut.

He smiled. Bitterly. Then he went straight to his room.

In a whisper, I cursed myself for being harsh. I should have comforted him. I should have told him Emilie doesn't deserve him.

But I was numbed both with pain and awe.

Pain, because I couldn't stand seeing David with a hurt look on his face.

Awe, because I couldn't quite explicate how happy I was that David was hurt.

I know, I'm harsh.

But then, Janice came.

And again, David mutated.

Si Friendship

2007-07-31T01:17:00.000+08:00

Senti mode ako last Friday. Isang friendship kasi ang sumaklolo sa kin. Tipong bigla ko lang narealize, na futek, kailangan ko pala ng tulong! Kung hindi ko pa naramdaman na umuulan, na basa na ang rubber shoes ko at nakarating na pala ako ng Shaw Boulevard na naglalakad, marahil hindi ko mararamdaman ang pagod.

Siguro para sa iba, di naman ganoong kalayo ang Sapphire Road sa Shaw. Pero sa tulad kong tamad maglakad, maximum effort na 'yon. Pero dahil wala ako sa 'king sarili, hindi ko na 'yon naramdaman.

Nang sumagot si friendship sa tawag ko, nasabi kong isa siyang knight in shining armor. Sabi pa nga niya, siya na ang magbabayad ng taxi ko para mapadali ang byahe. Pero tulad ko pala, naghahanap din siya ng karamay. Inamin kasi niyang, noong mga oras na 'yon, gasgas ang kanyang baluti. (Sa mga hindi nanonood ng Jumong, ang baluti ay armor.)

Nakalimutan ko na na may problema ako nang magshare na si friendship. Kasi kung ako ang nasa kalagayan niya, hindi singtatag ng pakikiharap niya ang magiging estado ko.

Naalala ko tuloy ang mga pelikula ni Sharon na matapos siyang apiapihin, babawi siya at babangon sa last 30 minutes ng script. Parang sa mga FPJ (sumalangit nawa) movies naman, matapos saktan ang mga mahal niya sa buhay, saka siya gagaling sa pagsuntok at magiging asintado sa baril.

Happy ending. Justice is served.

Sa istorya naman ni friendship, in the making pa ang pagresbak niya. Pero hindi pa nga resbak 'yun. Tamang forgive and forget. Swerte niya kasi sandamakmak ang karamay niya dahil sangkaterba ang may alam na ang dati niyang gf ay gf na ngayon ng kanyang bespren.

Sabi ko nga sa kanya, "E ano ngayon kung sila na? Wala na naman kayo, di ba?"

But then, he felt betrayed. Nagamit daw kasi siya. Kumbaga, pinabaho siya ni bespren para bumango ang kolokoy sa ex-girlfriend nya. Sa mga taong nakapaligid sa kanila. Worse, they're all in the same workplace. On the same team. Not fair. Utter betrayal. At iyon ang pinagpuputok ng butse niya.

Naisip ko tuloy, kung ako ang may suot ng sapatos niya, malamang hoarder na ako ng Kleenex. Ngayon kasi, kaya pang patuyuin ng panyo ang mga hikbi ko.

Nasimplehan nga ako sa pinagsesentimyento ko.

May deadline kasi ako, at hindi ako mainspire magsulat.

David's Sling 01

2007-07-15T18:08:00.000+08:00

I consider Emily, Janice and Kate as David's Angels. They came like angels flying towards David, changing his life from next to the other.

With Emily, David became modish with clothes and gadgets. He also turned vain, which to a point became annoying. You see, we share the same apartment. With just one full bathroom. So when he stays inside longer than I, which was most often as always, I was furious … and well, less of a woman. I would conjure images of David applying triple conditioners on his wavy brown hair, pampering his olive-toned skin with mint-scented body wash and…

One time, after an hour-long aggravating wait, I pounded on the door and roared, “David, goodness, I also have rights here! Bath rights! What in the hell are you doing that’s taking you so looonnggg!”

“Sorry, Sarah. I can’t let you in…” was David’s muffled reply.

“Of course you can’t! You’re still there!” I hollered.

Fifteen minutes later, David came out. I was so mad he could have dropped dead if there’s a radiation frequency for anger. But his after-bath after-shave scent subdued me in one millisecond.

Of course, I didn’t want him to know that.

Then, one day, he came home sober. Gone was the skittish smile which was then a prelude to Emily-and-I-went-to-this-and-that-and-met-this-and-that-and-talked-about-this-and-that talks where my oohs and aahs came in perfect timing as he filled me in about Cover Girl Emily Stories.

“Emily walked out,” he said in an almost defeated whisper.

(As usual... to be continued)

David's Sling

2007-06-30T19:38:00.000+08:00

First it was Emily, then came Janice. They didn't know but they did hurt me. Not directly though. The way they did it was through David.

Now it's Kate. And the pain has become so unbearable that I hope to God I can still save some face when I have the gut to save my heart first.

I know it's not David's fault. He's been an angel since Day 1. That was when he moved in to my apartment--as a co-tenant, of course. He has done his share, even in choosing the rainbow tafetta-like curtains. And oh, how he can cook with the Curtis Stone skill and charm!

Charm? How can I think of his charm when right now, he's been talking about Kate! And that hurts. A lot.

Emily and Janice were David's first and second heart-breakers whom I know. There may have been others, but as David puts it, they're his pasts. Now his heart is for Kate and he'll be proposing soon.

I can't help but wonder if the proposal would be no different when he proposed to Emily and Jane.

I could only wonder.

I could only breath, sigh and cry.

(To be continued...)

Friday not the 13th

2007-06-19T16:54:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what it is about last Friday. What I’m sure though was that everyone I spoke to complained only of one thing–-turtle-fast traffic!

I shared the same sentiment. It was madness. The streets were jammed. My usual 30-minute ride to work became an hour and a half. Not to mention that a quarter of which was spent waiting for an empty cab.

It was one hot Friday. It wasn’t the 13th though but as I gazed out the cab window, each face wore a kind of gloom. Maybe they’re thinking the same thought I was thinking–I wish I were someplace else but here.

The only good thing about that day was the paycheck. I’d be compensated for the first half of the month that I toiled. The bad thing (again?), it was almost spent out even before I get it. Life, and all the bills that went with it, is a total sacrifice.

The day went on. I screamed frantically at my computer hoping to beat my deadlines–or I’m dead. And I lived. I even managed a few hearty laughs, a few good bottles of beer and a lot of insights. You see, when I took a cab to finally head home, Manong Cab Driver, to ward off any sleep spell, tried to manage a conversation with me not at all minding if my answers were as dull as grey.

“Where do you work?”

“Somewhere in Ortigas.”

“Call Center?”

“No.”

“What do you do?”

“Uhm, I write…”

“Really? That’s wow!”

Wow? I thought to myself. Why wow? Hmm.

“Maybe you can write about my life story. I hope to submit it to Charo Santos, you know, win P10k in the process and help my eldest son finish college.”

And so he went on to tell me how he came from a poor town in Quezon. Left his wife, only to come back with her all cold and lifeless. He has a son who wants to come here to Manila and be the one to drive the cab so he could retire. Of course, Manong Cab Driver has all good intentions. He wants his son to have a good education. He wants him to be a nurse. Nurses these days are the next millionaires, he said. They bring home the dollars.

“And what does your son want?” At last, I asked.

Manong Cab Driver went all silent. Then he said, "I think he wants to sing. He can sing, you know. But he’s no Christian or Mark Bautista. Are they siblings? Anyway, he has no future in singing. Nurses have. And he can then take care of me when I’m all callous and old. So, will you write my story?"

I blinked. For one moment there, I had the urge to explain that I’m into technical documentation. But that would be like bursting his balloon. He already had shared with me half his life.

“I’ll see. Maybe your story will be my next project.”

Stupid, I forgot to ask his name.

With all due apology to Manong Cab Driver. If only his life is an application program, I could have documented it.

The Virus

2007-01-26T10:03:00.000+08:00

How many times has he dreamed of being alone with her? In his fantasy, he has been her rescuer, her clown, her prince, her one true love...

But now that he is actually ALONE with HER, he is not prepared to play the role of a dripping wet disheveled cursing knight in distress as she enters the elevator.

He then tries to evade her pitying glances. He looks down to his now shoggy pair of loafers. Just a while back, he accidentally missed his bus stop and in the middle of walking the distance, the rain poured out all its mighty menace on him.

Now he is soaking wet.

"Achooo!"

"You can't go to work like that--" She comments, her last word recoiling up and down his spine.

"Uh-huh. But I can't go home either. I have a deadline before noon."

"By noon, you'll go down with the flu and you'd be lucky if you can concentrate at all on finishing your report."

"I'll take that risk-- aacchu!"

"Save the virus and do yourself a favor, go home."

"No."

"You know what, sometimes, you need to think of yourself first."

"How can I do that when all I can think of is you--" He suddenly blurts out. He bits his tongue and curses himself. How could he think that loud?!

"Wha--"

"Ehrr-- I mean-- why aren't we on our floor yet? We're running late!"

"Did you mean that?"

"Yeah, I do! We're going to be really late! Oh, we haven't pushed a button yet, that's why!"

"You know what your problem is? You don't really care about me. Because if you do, you'll listen to me. I'm concerned about you getting sick. And you know what else? You're not thinking of me at all, because if you really do, you won't keep me guessing about what you really feel for me--"

And as he stares back at her sad eyes, he feels rooted at his drenched spot, dejected all over again.

Suddenly, she says in a caring soothing whisper, "Really, please Zach, take a cab, go home, change into dry clothes and be back before ten. I'll cover up for you. Then treat me to a nice lunch later."

She then pushes the "open door" button and waits for Zach to step out of the elevator.

Before the door closes, he catches her mischievous grin that turns into the sincerest and sweetest of her smiles.

Somehow, he feels warm now. Almost dry even. Maybe he doesnt' need to go home and change?

But he can't let Suzanne down. For today, he is not just daydreaming.

First and Last Favor

2007-01-26T09:55:00.000+08:00

Leila will always refer to his smile as the Mint Chocolate Chip Baskin Robbins ice cream of her heart. Seeing him smile, like he does now, sends shivers up her spine making her hands and feet cold, yet her heart warm all over. She can’t explain why every time Ned smiles, she starts to feel as if nothing else matters but his cherubic face, and the stubborn “zing!” in her heart.

And there is also his pair of eyes that become slits under his dark eyebrows whenever he laughs. There it is again! His face looks like the perfect portrait of a face all aglow with sheer happiness.

No, Ned’s smile isn’t for Leila. She doesn’t even know who it is for. All she knows is that Ned is now laughing while carelessly clutching the phone to his ear.

The hell she cares who he is talking to!

Hell, she cares. A lot. In fact, there’s nothing on her mind but Ned and his smile, Ned and his laugh, Ned and his cherubic face, Ned and the sound of his voice, Ned and everything that makes the “zing” on her heart sounds like Bach, or maybe Beethoven, or Skid Row.

Yes, she cares. She has a fancy word for how she’s feeling now. Love at first day at work.

But Ned doesn’t. Try with all her might, Ned will never see her as special as the one whom he is talking to over the phone. He doesn’t even know her name and her table is just next his, and it’s her first day—

“Leila? Leila, right?” Ned covered the mouthpiece and turned to Leila.

“Yep, and you’re Ned, right?” Leila said while trying to sound casual, although she felt herself choke.

Ned winked and carelessly shuffled through the papers on his table, the phone now cradled by his shoulder to his ear. Then he turned to Leila and in the most gentle voice said, "Heard you were the fastest typist ever recruited by Butter Fly Limited—will you please help me with this?" and handed Leila a paper with marks and comments on the margin.

Leila took it, read it, "What help do you need? I mean, this is uh—"

“I don’t want to type it myself, can you please, please?” implored Ned as if all that matters to him is Leila’s help.

Leila smiled, half-heartedly. She turned her computer on and waited for Ned to tell her he was just joking.

But Ned wasn't joking. He now put down the phone and turned to Leila again.

"Thanks, really. The truth is, I can't make myself do it. I like it here, you know, but sometimes one has to leave things that he likes to be with things and people he loves," explained Ned.

Well, then, good luck,” is all Leila could say. She could have asked him what he meant but she couldn’t make herself do it. There was a gargantuan lump in her throat, and she was trying so hard to fight back the tears.

Leila ran the word processor and clicked the new blank document icon. She blinked at the paper lying alone on her clean table.

This is Ned’s first, and well, last favor. It gripped her heart with a wrench of unimaginable hurt and regret. She couldn’t still believe as she read the letter in front of her, Ned’s letter. Though harder she stared, words didn’t mutate into a memorandum. The first sentence still reads, “This is to tender my irrevocable resignation effective immediately.”